Summertime Blues

 Life is short.

Carpe diem

YOLO (I know no one says this anymore)

What does this mean on a practical basis? 

It will surprise no one that the topic of this post is my lack of a love life and the crush I do have on someone.

I'm not quite sure that crush is even the right term. I truly have feelings for this person and I want him to be happy and well. I want him to thrive no matter what his feelings for me might be.

But, life is short.

Does this mean you share your feelings with someone, even if you're confident he (in this case) doesn't feel anything remotely close to that for you?

I'm not going to publicly list the pros and cons. As remote as it is, someone might see this and be able to identify him, but I think about this situation often. If he learns of my feelings, I want that to come from me.

Back to the idea of carpe diem and it's practical application in day-to-day life. I've joined a dating app. Again. There are an overwhelming number of men in their 20s and early 30s and very few 40 or over. Almost none have caught my eye. Is that because I have feelings for someone and that clouds my judgment? Perhaps.

A broader question is should I just look to hang out and have fun this summer and beyond? Maybe take a few much younger men up on their online flirtation. What could it hurt if everyone understands it's all for fun?

I turn 55 in a month. Is it time to just give up on the idea of a real relationship? Perhaps those days are in my past and now unreasonable. I really don't want to think that, but would things be better if I temper my expectations or is that lowering my standards?

Too many questions. I know that the answer is somewhere deep inside of me. Perhaps my inaction is my answer - just allowing the status quo to continue. Inaction is a decision and has consequences.

I've left a message for a therapist. Maybe that will help.

Unrequited

 There has been a theme to my poems of late.

A couple of weeks ago,  I challenged my students to write a poem that started with the words "Truth is I." They did a nice job. This is what I wrote. If you read my blog regularly, you can probably guess what this is about.

Truth is I want

Truth is I think

Truth is I don't know what to say.

My tongue fumbles over the words

my heart wants to say.

    Censors them.

    Covers up the truth.

Truth is I am afraid of the words.

Speaking them requires a softness

that reveals a vulnerability.

    Fear of loneliness.

    Fragile heart.

Truth is I will eventually speak.

The words will tumble out

awkwardly, clumsily.

    Hold my breath.

    Await your response.

More Love

There's so much in the bell hooks' book I want to discuss. I kind of feel a little overwhelmed by all of the material. Nonetheless, let's try a post today. My last one was not one of the best I've ever written, so I hope I redeem myself a bit here.

The overwhelming aspect of trying to write about hooks' ideas is to pick which part to discuss that feels most relevant to me without going on and on about my greatest self-pity hits. How often can I bemoan the loneliness that fills most of my days or how I think that I'm an awful mom or the fear I'm currently feeling about this crush I have. I'll try to avoid those, but as I currently do not have a therapist, I make no promises.

Let's examine what it means to live by a "love ethic." The chapter starts off with "Awakening to love can happen only as we let go of our obsession with power and domination." I have mentioned before that I am union president for my school district. We are currently in negotiations. Just yesterday, a trusted adviser told me that negotiations shouldn't be about power, but a conversation about solving problems. Once power becomes the language and goal of negotiations, both sides have lost. I really needed to hear those words as I had been a little down after the last negotiation session. Negotiations could be done with a love ethic and that's a goal I'm going to set for myself.

hooks writes "A love ethic presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well. To bring a love ethic to every dimension of our lives, our society would need to embrace change." I think this is why I became a teacher. I had a very influential teacher in my life who saw the potential in me and expressed her belief in me. That's love. That's what I hope to do for my students, help them see their own worth and live in a manner that honors their worth. 

I also think this is why I wanted to be union president. In the chapter "Community: Loving Communion," hooks says "When we see love as the will to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth, revealed through acts of care, respect, knowing, and assuming responsibility, the foundation of all love in our life is the same. There is no special love exclusively for romantic partners. Genuine love is the foundation of our engagement with ourselves, with family, with friends, with partners, with everyone we choose to love." My aspiration for the local is that it becomes a cherished member of the community where we teach. That works to deepen our relationship with students and families and it gets us allies. Teachers have been vilified for the last 40 years, stronger relationships in the community can only help to straighten out the lies that have been oft-repeated. That can only help to further love in our world, because love can't live in the fog of lies and disinformation.

I think I'll stop here for today. There is one more section I want to address, but I'll save that for another day.

That book

 I finished reading the bell hooks' book (all about love: New Visions). I placed 46 sticky notes in the book. That's a lot of material to cover, but it's Spring Break (and snowing outside) and I've got time.

I'm going to start with the definition of love that hooks uses. She uses the the definition of that is in M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled which is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." I find this expansive definition of love to be really useful. It covers both romantic and platonic love. I also find it a little sad, as I'm not sure I've ever been loved in this manner. I know that I may be personalizing the issue, but what is life if love is lacking? I'm also left with the question - have I loved anyone in this manner? 

As I look back on my life, I can clearly see that none of my romantic relationships fit this. Neither I nor any of my romantic partners were looking out for each other's spiritual growth. I feel fairly certain that most of my friendships have not nourished anyone's spiritual growth. Perhaps this is why I've felt so lonely most of my life.

My biggest concern, however, is that I haven't actually parented from a true love point of view. I'm trying very mindfully to adjust my behavior when I interact with my soon-to-be 18 year old son. Is it too late?

This has been on my mind since I first read it in December. I suspect it will stay there as I try to navigate any and all relationships in my life.

All About Love - Preface and Introduction

I knew that I would dive back into All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks the second I finished reading it the first time. During my first reading, I didn't write in the book or put any sticky notes on any pages, which is unusual. When I read nonfiction, I almost always write all over the book. I didn't do that because I knew that what I was reading was important and I wanted the ideas to wash over me without me over analyzing first. I wanted to emotionally react first. I touch on my first reading in this post from the beginning of the year.

If no one minds, I'm going to work out my thoughts to the book in bits and pieces here. It would be great if you share your thoughts with me, especially if you've read the book. Even if you haven't, I'd like to hear from you. Dialogue is far more interesting than monologue.

I think I'm going to proceed by highlighting some of the parts that spoke to me for whatever reason. Maybe a sentence. Maybe a passage. Maybe a question that arose while reading. 

The last sentence in the Preface is, "When we love we can let our heart speaks." What immediately came to mind was the idea of fear. What if fear of opening up, especially in a new situation, keeps us from allowing our hearts to speak? I have mentioned before that I'm quite smitten with someone who is younger than me, but I'm terrified to say anything for fear of looking like a foolish old woman. Does this mean that love is not present? I don't know. hooks' sentence feels true to me. Love is liberating. Fear is not.

I underlined several passages in the Introduction and placed several sticky notes next to other passages. I'm not sure where to start. I guess let's start here: "all the great movements for social justice have strongly emphasized a love ethic." I am, as president of a small union, trying to approach my duties as with a love ethic. Love for the members, love for my students, love for the profession of teaching. This is a different point of view than I had 10 years ago when I was not so healthy. 

Next is the notion that a woman over 40 who speaks of love is perceived as desperate. This ties directly to the fear I talked about in relation to that younger man. A few pages later, hooks wrote that many people have learned that speaking about love "with any emotional intensity means we will be perceived as weak." In the margins I wrote that I burst into tears while reading this. How sad is it that people might view someone else as weak if they speak about love. But, then again, I'm afraid of being seen as desperate and foolish.

The final part of the Introduction that captured my attention is what she describes as "a callous cynicism that frowns upon any suggestion that love is as important as work, as crucial to our survival as a nation as the drive to succeed. Awesomely, our nation, like no other in the world, is a culture driven by the quest to love ... even as it offers so little opportunity for us to understand love's meaning or to know how to realize love in word and deed." This will make more sense when we get to the definition of love that hooks uses throughout the book -which she reveals in Chapter 1. That will be my next entry.

See you in a few days, unless you leave a comment, which would be great.

Diving Back In

 I am 54 years old. I've been separated for more than a decade now. 

Since 2014, I have endured three major health crises, two substantial bouts of unemployment, and a pandemic. Due to those health issues, I'm overweight, though I can't tell you a number because scales actually depress me and destroy my motivation. I'm also lonely and would like to have someone to cuddle in next to at night.

The age thing, the weight thing, and the loneliness thing intersect. They always do. 

I have a crush on someone. We're friends and I've been developing feelings for him. I'm afraid to act on those feelings because he's considerably younger than me and I just can't imagine that someone that young and handsome would want to hang out with someone as old as me. Or as round as me.

Here is where weight intersects with the loneliness. About a month ago, I signed up for Weight Watchers. The multiple health crises led me to put on a fair amount of weight. Absolutely nothing in my closet fit me. I had to buy new clothes and often chose frumpy, shapeless outfits to hide my body. I felt enormous amounts of shame. Logically, I knew that my health problems had caused the weight gain. Weight Watchers is useful, but I find it unsustainable. For example, I enjoy making homemade soup, but I haven't sorted out a way to track the points on that. I've fallen back to eating salads for dinner most days. That is also not sustainable. One of my health issues is fairly severe anemia for which I gave up being a vegetarian. Meat has high point values. But, I want to date and everyone has consumed the same messages about the ideal shape of a woman's body. So, salads it is.

I try to fight off those messages because I know they're trash. I signed up on a dating app, hoping to fight off the loneliness. It's unnerving. What if I meet someone in good shape. I'm kind of spooked by the prospect that someone will see me without clothing. Again, logically, I know the garbage behind that kind of thinking, so I try to fight off those thoughts. I feel, however, that my experience isn't unique. I imagine many women feel this way. Probably men, too. 

I'm aware of the dichotomy between the messaging and logic. What about those who aren't aware of the influences of the perfect body images that are out there? We know that social media can have a negative impact on how we feel about our bodies. We need to help each other be more mindful of the messages that impact our behavior and attitudes. I'll start with myself. It might take a while, but it will be worth the effort.

In the meantime, what should I do about that crush?

Snow Days

 I'm very pro-snow day. I've never hidden that fact from anyone, not even my students. On Tuesday, the day before a soon-to-be-announced snow day, I told my students that snow days were like a ten dollar bill you find in your pocket before you throw your jeans in the was. It's a gift, a true delight. 

I get really annoyed when I see adults complaining about snow days. I know that I should not take comments from social media seriously, but it does push this narrative that we're coddling kids and that teachers are lazy. I try not to take it personally, but I truly don't get that mindset.

Just as Covid hit, a quarter of US workers did not have access to paid sick days. Story after story tells us that Americans don't take sick days. The US has zero mandatory vacation days and only 10 federal holidays. Do we really think more work is the answer? Why are we so tied to work?

Pre-pandemic, the happiness score for the US had been very low for the "shining city on a hill." For 2020, it came in at 14, still far short of its mythology and propaganda.

I think an important question is, "why are we so miserable?" More importantly, why do we think our children should be as miserable as the adults? Until we can sort that out, I don't have much faith that things will get better.