Somewhere along the line in second grade, a clearly troubled child taught his classmates the "f-word." I did not hear this word until fourth grade. My parents swore liberally, but the "f-word" was verboten.
I, also, am capable of swearing like a drunk sailor. But, I have worked very hard to not swear in front of my child. At first this decision was based on the notion that he was 14 months behind in learning English, so it was best to use the very best word possibly. Since Andrew was diagnosed with autism, and subsequently with child maltreatment syndrome, I am more pleased with my choice as I just don't want to hear him repeat those words over and over. Sadly, another child intervened and my hard work has been undone. Damn that little shit with the dirty mouth.
This summer has been daunting. Andrew has no filter and swears at least once every 10 minutes - usually, the "f-word." That on top of his incessant pinching of my arms and thighs and my head has spun every day. This past weekend was the straw that broke this camel's back.
As a family, the three (yes, all three of us) decided to take a road trip to Cleveland. Andrew complains vociferously about me traveling to shows or to London. "It's not fair," he whines. I have talked before about how my family really didn't travel and I don't want that to be the case with my child. So, we thought a short trip, only three hours away, would be a good start. We were wrong.
Our first stop was at the Great Lakes Science Center where he was completely over-stimulated. That led to a temper tantrum in the hotel. He actually laid on the floor in front of the elevator and refused to get up. That, however, was not the worst moment. In the gift shop at the Aquarium, on Saturday morning, he wanted some junky toy and I kept reminding him to not paw everything in the store. He told me to "fuck off." What am I supposed to do? Yell? Whack him? Nope, none of the above. I deaden my emotions and growl that it is now time to leave. But, thanks to "child maltreatment syndrome, this reaction scares him senseless. He begs, "do you still love me" and then in the next breath, he tells me I'm a fuck mom. This went on for a couple of hours. I was in tears, driving home. His father was exhausted and distraught. I looked at him said, "We don't have the answers, we need professional help." I made that call today, and I will keep making whatever calls need to be made.
I wanted so much to write about London, but I have spent two days crying sporadically. I guess I needed to get it all off my chest.
2 comments:
But there were good moments, too. holding hands, and smiling! Please try to cherish the good moments and don't let the bad ones rule. The outbursts are an emotional trigger that he has to get out or things could get much worse. As he grows, you will all learn how to deal with them. They'll still happen. And you'll cry. I still do. 15 years old and the things Ben says and does can cut my soul. But then it's over and we're on to the next thing. You are a wonderful mother and are doing so much. Getting assistance is a great thing. So many people (me included) have thought that we've had to go it alone. The help Ben's gotten the past year has been a huge influence in his behavior in public. School and home are still issues, but they will get better. Hugs and kisses to you both. He's a beautiful boy and will grow into a beautiful young man. And you will be so proud.
Love ya!
Kriss
Kriss,
Thanks so much. Good things happen all the time. Just now, on the way to bed, he said, "I'm really sorry about making you cry the other day. That's not my style and I will try to never make you cry again."
I just feel so helpless when the bad stuff blows up.
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