Unexpected Reaction

I haven't written in a quite a bit of time because I don't want to use this as my therapy spot and I wanted to focus on the act of healing and less on the documentation of that healing.  I feel, however, compelled to write after the death of Robin Williams.  I have always enjoyed his work, therefore I expected to feel sad upon hearing of his death.  What I didn't expect was a flood of tears.  It took me a day or two, but I realized that I was crying as much for me as I was for a brilliant comedian who had succumbed to depression.

I have come a long way since I started the descent into the darkest days of my depression.  I can now look back with clarity and shudder a bit.  I can remember feeling that the world would be a better place without me.  I can remember begging a friend to text me one night because I was afraid of my own thoughts.  About two weeks ago, I formally submitted to work a small list of accommodations I was requesting under the American with Disabilities Act.  Not only were three of the four denied, but the most important one was purposely or incompetently misread.  My mood turned immediately dark.  I cried uncontrollably and felt targeted.  At some point, I sat on my couch and mentally cataloged the objects in my house that could inflict damage on my body.  Then, I managed to walk myself back from the edge.  I think pictures of my son helped me. I know that a friend texted with me all day and kept me talking and engaged.

I felt that if returning to rehab and having ample funds for help couldn't stop Robin Williams from killing himself, what would I do when I returned to work in a few weeks?  My mind raced about how I would keep my health, especially if I was unable to convince someone of the absolute necessity of the accommodations I had requested.  I have spent the last year isolating myself from co-workers because that is one of the things that people suffering from deep depression often do and in doing so, found that a only a few people cared enough to reach out.  How will I remain stable in that kind of environment?  I don't know.  I guess I will have to trust that I have developed enough coping skills in the past four months and to push myself to reach out to others when I feel myself sliding.  Maybe I will have to be completely open at work about my struggles, in order to teach others about depression and how to help those who are suffering.

In about two weeks, I will face a great challenge, but as a stronger person than I have been in a long time.  In the meantime, if you know someone who is suffering from either situational or long-term depression, take that person out for coffee or stop by for a short walk.  You have no idea how important that contact could be.