Curves and all

I believe that winter's grip on Michigan has finally been broken and spring is finally here to heat things up a bit. I've been able to get out and walk and it's nice to see the world after spending too many days inside, snarling at the snow.

Like so many others, I am looking to shed a few pounds before I pull out my more revealing clothes. As I take my walks, I see all types of body types wearing skimpy clothes and I wonder, "Why don't I feel more comfortable in teeny clothes?" I have seen some big girls in daisy dukes or skirts up to here. I kind of envy that comfort they seem to possess.  I even worry about wearing sleeveless tops because I can't stand how my arm flab shakes. However, this is part of what happens when we age.

It's not that I don't work out, I do.  I get to the gym once or twice a week and I try to exercise at home.  I have seen first hand the end results of a life too sedentary. I don't want that.  I also, like a well-programmed sheep, want to be a little thinner, so I appeal more to the opposite sex.  I'm not sure that I will ever be thin enough to feel secure in a bathing suit. Just the thought fills me with dread.

On the other hand, I saw a woman at the gym today who was in terrific shape.  I usually see her on Saturday and Sunday mornings. This woman has not one ounce of fat on her and her muscles are clearly defined.  The picture of health.  She had no boobs, but could probably kick my ass with one hand tied behind her back. She is clearly disciplined and has the utmost in will-power.  I fail miserably in both categories.  I also don't want to look as angular as she did.  I like my curves, or at least most of them. So, if I like them, and can even honestly say I think I am pretty, why the reticence to show off the curves in warm weather?  Have I truly been so programed by society's take on beauty that I can't let myself go?  I thought I was better than that.

Memo to self

I've just finished watching The Joy Luck Club with my English 12 class. I had forgotten what a good movie it was, but how vastly different it is from the book. I don't wish to quibble with those changes (though my students did NOT appreciate the changes at all). Instead, for the past two days, a line from the movie has been echoing in my head. Rose's mother tells her that she must remember what she is worth. I am pretty guilty of not remembering my worth. All too often in our society, we value monetary worth far over any other kind. I know, however, that I am worth far more than my paycheck quantifies. Perhaps I am overwrought with work-related stress, but I feel a need to remind myself of my worth.

1. I am worthy of respect and dignity.
2. I am worthy of time to just plain relax.
3. I am worthy of friends who will support me.
4. I am worthy of friends who will visit me in my home.
5. I am worth of a clean house.
6. I am worthy of a few pages of fun reading every night.
7. I am worthy of the effort to drop a few pounds.
8. I am worthy of being told I am beautiful.
9. I am worthy of being shown that I am desirable.
10. I am worthy of a few road trips.
11. I am worthy of forgiving myself for my daily boo-boos.
12. I am worthy of my dream.
13. I am worthy of my son's smiles and hugs.
14. I am worthy of the opportunity to play my music loudly.
15. I am worthy of peace and quiet.

Well, that's more like it. I even feel a little light just having written that.