Self-exile

I made three promises to myself this summer.  They are simple: organize the visual chaos and clutter in my house, improve both my mental and physical health, and meditate on what is important to me and take action on what is important. In order to accomplish all of this, or even an acceptable portion of this, I have, in large part,exiled myself from social functions.


As I look back on the past seven or eight months, I am struck by how little I was living for myself.  Instead, I had become focused on pleasing specific others in my life. I ceded power to those individuals and lost me.  Those individuals did not appreciate that I had temporarily obliterated myself, indeed the opposite occurred.  They took me for granted.  I could see plainly what was happening, but my desire to please consumed me.  Ultimately, loneliness won the day. I let it.

This affected every part of my life.  I was so emotionally drained at the end of the day, it was everything I could do to clean the dishes.  The rest of my house soon resembled the aftermath of a tornado.  While I do not believe that "cleanliness is next to godliness," I can plainly see that this house was not a healthy environment for my son, or for me.  Since the end of summer school, I have started to go through each piece of paper laying around, each container that needs recycling and clear the space.  My house does not look like an episode of Hoarders, but I was clearly on the path to that type of misery.  My exile feeds my desire to expedite this process so I can once again have people to my house for laughter, food, and drinks. As if anyone is going to visit me in Canada, but that is another issue.

Thomas Merton once said, "It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers.  The more solitary I am the more affection I have for them....Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not for what they say." These profoundly sage words strike at my core.  When the school year ended, I was rarely leaving my classroom.  If I could have installed a small private bathroom, I would have done so and never left. I felt under siege from many sides: a son whose ways of dealing with stress and anxiety were more and more unhealthy, the politicians who are looking to destroy public education, the corporate reforms already underway in my own school, the Kool-Aid drinkers who jockeyed for positions of false authority, people who I thought I could trust, but could not, and finally my own inability to control the mental debris in my head.  The way I chose to react to all the other forces led me to withdraw from nearly all contact with colleagues. A friend had noticed and even gently chided me.  I have been thinking about her words and she is right and wrong.  I do need people, but I need the right people.  People who think about me when they are making plans, as in, "Hey let's call Toni." People who will recognize when I am in pain and reach out at that moment and not hold back.  I'm not sure that I have those people in my life right now.

This, however, is how Merton's words affect me.  Perhaps those people are there, but I cannot see them.  I need to be alone, in solitude in order to pay close attention to what my instinct tells me.  I need the solitude to let go of the hurt that I felt towards those who let me down and to forgive them and accept them for who they are.   I need the solitude to determine who is worthy of staying in my orbit.  I cannot do that in the middle of a crowd.

Solitude will be additionally useful as I try to make my body a little healthier.  I won't drink as much alcohol if I'm not going out.  I won't eat as poorly.  I'll have more time for exercise, like my early morning walks.  If I'm out late, drinking, I won't want to wake up at five in the morning so I can walk by six.  I would also miss my after dinner workouts.  The exercise is good for my body and brain.  I clear a lot of mental debris when I exercise.

Finally, it didn't take long for me for me to identify what is important to me.  My child is number one and he has many issues that need addressing.  I won't go into those here; some things need to stay private.  He needs my full attention though.  He has it. I am making one small road trip, a day trip, and that is it.  No London - though I do miss it.  I must make him the center of my world or things will get much worse.

I'm not refusing any social invites, but I am also not desperately chasing after any.  I feel good about the physical and emotional work I have already done.  I fully anticipate that, in the end, my solitude will lead to less loneliness.







 

More from my setlist

Rock n' roll! It's time to turn this blog back up to 11 and add to the set list that my imaginary band would play, if I had any musical ability at all.

For a quick review, here are the first five songs my band would play:  Heartbreaker, Dreaming, Alive, This Must be the Place, and It's Too Late.

For the next five songs, my band (with me as the sexy, lead singing, guitar goddess momma) shall play:

"William, It Was Really Nothing (by The Smiths): I know, I know, Mozz is annoying, even to this vegetarian. But the guitar work (Mr. Johnny Marr) is brilliant and I quite like the lyrics.  They aren't too ponderous or over the top.  It might be the most perfect song ever by The Smiths.

"Is That Love" (by Squeeze) -Of course, I would have to do a song from my favorite band. Great lines like "My assets froze and yours have dropped" and "Legs up with a book and a drink/Now is that love makin' you think" are just too amazing to not want to sing.  Plus, there is a smashing guitar solo for me to play.

"I'm Not Down" (by The Clash) - It might seem like a weird segue way, but that's okay.  As an emotionally overwrought teenager, this was my favorite song off of London Calling, if not my favorite song period. I figure that should count for something and I get to sing this one.


"32 Flavors" (by Ani DiFranco) - I really prefer Alana Davis' cover, but no matter.  I love this song and would do it an acoustic cover of it.

"Wonderwall" (by Oasis) - I cannot get enough of this song, period.  I might even keep the acoustic guitar out to play this song that way.  This truly is a piece of genius.  Considering what a mess they are, I can't, for the life of me, fathom how the Gallagher brothers wrote a song this good.  It doesn't matter, it's on my set list.

Phooey

I thought my summer was going to be clear. My doctor me that the test results were good and that there was no rush for a colonoscopy. Her office would still make arrangements, but the appointment would likely be a couple of months down the road.

The specialist left a message on Wednesday, which I didn't get until too late. Then, yesterday I just forgot to call. I mean, my doctor told me there was no hurry. I called the specialist this morning only to find out that he wanted to fast track me. But, because I waited one day too long, I can't get an appointment until the third week in July. If I had called yesterday, I would be going in for a scope next week. 

Now I am back to being worried. Now, that worry has three weeks to stew and ferment. Perfect. All my plans are again on hold.

If only...

I have long fantasized about being in a rock band. I always envision myself the lead singer, seducing throngs of mesmerized fans. This little daydream plays itself every time I take one of my long walks or go to the gym, neither of which happens without my iPod. Sometimes at the gym, particularly when I am using the treadmill, I have to stop myself from launching into full-on rock star mode. You know the one: leaning forward on one, slightly bent leg, microphone in hand, mouth wide open. Okay, I'm not standing still on the treadmill, but the leaning forward, silently singing into my invisible mic might happen.

So, what is on my set list?  I'm so glad you asked. I kind of imagine myself as a sexy guitar playing babe, so my songs are heavy on guitar solos, along with some songs that offer opportunities for me to step away from the guitar to shake and shimmy on the stage.  I also imagine that my band has a male who sings when I'm too busy being Hendrix with boobs. Here are the first five on the list of songs my band would cover.

Song #1 - "Heartbreaker" (by Pat Benatar) - Pat Benatar is not my cup of tea.  I mean, have you ever seen the video for "Love is a Battlefield"?  This song, "Heartbreaker," however, is smoking hot.  It has big vocals and a cool guitar solo (played by moi) at the end. If I had any musical talent, my band would so cover this song.

Song #2 - Dreaming (by Blondie) - I would spread the love around in my band and this song has two great drum solos.  Plus, I would be prancing about stage singing, being sexy and all.

Song #3 - "Alive" (by Pearl Jam) - It's time for me to pick up my guitar again and let my band mate do a little singing.  I always imagine myself crowd surfing during this song, even during the amazing solo at the end.  I close my eyes and someone in the crowd has me standing on his shoulders while I play away.  Of course, at the end of the song, the crowd gently returns me to the stage.

Song #4 - "This Must Be The Place" (The Talking Heads)- By this point in the show, the crowd is in a wild frenzy, so it's time to slow it down. No guitar solo, we might even do this song acoustically.   I just want to sing the lines "Out of all those kind of people/You got a face with a view." God, I love that line.

Song #5 - "It's Too Late" (Bob Mould) - I want to keep the pace still a little slow, with a hint that we're about to speed up again quite soon. I might sing, or cede the mic to my partner, but, either way, the guitar parts are all mine.

I need to think about the pace I want to set for the next five songs.  In the meantime, what are a few songs your band would cover.

I'm sure it's nothing

Within the last week, I have experienced blood with bowel movements five times. After the first time, I immediately made an appointment with my doctor.

She poked and peeked and could determine nothing that could easily explain the blood.  Frankly, I was really pulling for a broken blood vessel or a pimple, but no. So, she ordered two tests for me.  She warned me that for one test, I couldn't have vitamin C.  I'm a vegetarian, so this was a daunting task, but like a trooper, I ate not much all weekend and produced a sample for the two bottles the lab had given me on Friday.

Sadly, there was blood on these samples and I worried.  Okay, honestly, I cried.

I took those samples to a different lab, where I learned that there was one more test required - this one was the no vitamin C test.  I did not cry.  I mumbled to myself and went home to read the instructions for the three-day test.  I could eat vegetables, so that was a plus. 

I called my doctor's office and asked if we could just go ahead a schedule a colonoscopy.  There was blood in the samples I turned in and there was blood on the sample I took when I got home, so why not?  The receptionist was quite willing to to do so, but warned me that it could take two months to get an appointment.  Of course, I could play the system and go to emergency. I've already spent time in emergency this year, so that idea doesn't thrill me.

My next option is to find a doctor, in the Detroit area who will take me on and refer me for a colonoscopy, more quickly than two months.  I haven't been to an American doctor in at least six years.  So, I turn to you, my readers, for referrals.  If you really like your family doctor, please feel free to share the doctor's name, phone, and address.

I was not going to share this with anyone.  Frustratingly, I need to formulate a Plan B and I need a little help to do that. I am sure that this is not a big deal, but I'd like eliminate all the concern that is creeping into my head.

To you

Hi,

I wanted to write this note to tell you that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I can't help myself; every time I look around at my life, I see you. 

Every day, I spend a couple of minutes reflecting on the tremendous sacrifice you made in your life.  And how I benefited from that sacrifice.  And I cry a little each time. I cry out of joy, out of heartache, and out of fear that I am not worthy of all that you gave up.

I'll never know what your circumstances were.  Perhaps you were a frightened teenage girl.  Perhaps a rape victim.  Perhaps you already had one child and could not keep another.  All I know is that on August 5, 2004, you laid a small, beautiful baby boy on the floor of a bus station in Changzhou and left him there.  I don't know how long you lingered.  I cannot imagine the ache you felt in your soul as you eventually turned from your...our son.  All I do know is this act saved my life.

His name is Andrew and without him, I would have withered away.  Without a doubt, I would have become an embittered, lonely English teacher who drank herself to sleep every night. Instead, I am smothered in hugs and kisses and peppered with questions.  I receive sullen answers and the the stink eye. My hand is tugged by a smaller hand to view the wonders the world offers. Thanks to you, I'm a mom.

On occasion, Andrew asks about you; he wonders if you loved him. I look into his eyes, his face - reflections of yours - and tell him of course. I tell him that you loved him enough to make sure he would go some place safe until we (his parents) could come get him.

I hope that you find peace.  I have never, for a moment, judged you by the decision you made.  Your government gave you few choices. I do envy that you were able to carry him with you for nine months.  But, because of you, I am his mom.  For that, I am forever grateful.

Thank you.

Teacher Evaluations

There are approximately 30 days left in the school year.  Of those, we have a half-day just before the Memorial Day weekend and three half-days for final exams. I'm thrilled and nervous all at once.  You see, I have not yet been evaluated.

In years past, I wouldn't worry about an issue like this.  Last year, I was one of the highest rated teachers in the building, for what it's worth.  But, thanks to the new tenure law in Michigan, I must worry. Even though I have been unable to locate the exact wording, I do know that the law states that if a teacher is NOT evaluated, the rating for that teacher defaults to an ineffective rating.  That's right, if my boss does not evaluate me, I will be automatically deemed ineffective. Three ineffective ratings in a row and a teacher can lose her license.  It boggles my mind. 

Does this make any sense to anyone?  Are there any other professions that have been hounded like teachers? Please contact your people in Lansing and tell them that this situation is deplorable.

In the meantime, I will sit back and see what happens with my situation.  If I am not evaluated, I will contact my union and see what my rights are to fight back.