Don't Worry Be Happy My Ass

I have tried every positive affirmation out there.   I have read hundreds of inspirational quotes.  I have tried to find the silver linings to all of my clouds.

I was not successful.  The fact of the matter is, I'm not sure most people can just will themselves out of a deep clinical depression.  I couldn't.  I couldn't stop the tears that visited me daily.  I couldn't stop the thoughts of wanting to disappear.  I couldn't stop the self-loathing. Since March, I have been barely hanging on.

I've taken the plunge and have started taking an anti-depressant called Cipralex. For a long time, I hesitated to take this path.  I felt ashamed that I couldn't talk myself out of the blues. So much "advice" out there seems suggest that if a person isn't happy, it's because he or she isn't trying hard enough.  That she is clinging to the past.  I did not want to cling to the past, it clung to me.

I want to share my experience with a serotonin booster for two reasons.  The first is that I want to track my own progress to wellness.  The second is to shake the negative views that others may have, the way I did.  After a final emotional outburst over nothing this past Tuesday, I decided to take the medicine that had been in my house for two weeks.  I need to view this medicine as nothing  different than, let's say, high blood pressure medicine.  I currently need it to survive.


I am not going to rely on the medicine alone.  I am going to make a concerted effort to increase my physical activity.  That is a natural anti-depressant.  I will always have papers to grade. I cannot afford to lose my mental stability to those papers, so to the gym and yoga I shall go.  I am also going to make a concerted effort to eat healthier.  Healthy eating often goes by the wayside during the school year, but too much is on the line.

Tonight will be the fifth night of Cipralex.  Let me just tell you that psychotropic drugs are no joke.  The first night, my stomach was very upset, I felt completely drained within two hours, and then woke up an hour early with the worst cotton mouth I have ever had.  The next three nights saw me wake up at either two or three in the morning and not go back to sleep.  I don't know how this will help my mood, but I have to give it some time.

I've learned much on this journey so far.  I appreciate those who have stuck with me and those who have re-entered my life.  I am more glad to be a mother than I have ever been because my son has been my reason to stay alive and my motivation to get healthy.  Like so many before me and many more to follow, I will lower my umbrella and once again find the sunshine.