Mommy's Little Helper

Another positive that came out of 2013 was letting go of a stigma and helping myself out of a dangerous hole.

I've already said several times that taking medication for my depression was a good decision.  I cannot believe how much it has helped me.  I can get out of negative circular thinking more quickly than without it.  I don't burst into tears nearly as often as I was before I started the meds. My house is a little neater.  I have more energy and am not just going to bed regularly at 9:00 to escape dark thoughts.

I had been worried that my emotions would flatten out completely.  That hasn't been the case; I can still feel joy and sadness. 

I had been worried that my libido would be crushed.  That hasn't been the case, thankfully.

Things aren't perfect.  I'm still crabby at work, but there are complicated dynamics in place which cause me to shield myself.  I feel a little better able to handle those issues than I did before taking an anti-depressant, though.

Most importantly, I no longer want to kill myself. 

For that, I will live to see 2014.

I'm still tired, but a whole lot better.

I've now been on an anti-depressant for about three weeks and I figure it's time for a brief up-date.

On the negative side, my sleep is still a bit erratic and I tire out pretty quickly.  That has interfered with my plans to exercise more, but I'll figure it out.

On the plus, I feel calmer.  I am not having enormous mood swings. I am not dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings.  My body and brain have been able to let them go.

I find this to be amazing because the events in my world have been a mixed bag of crappy and good.  The district wants teachers to take a 10 percent pay cut.  The polyp that was removed during the colonoscopy  was pre-cancerous.  Before this medicine, I would have been mired in those two bad bits of news and been distraught beyond reason.  I am still worried about them. I am furious at the thought of yet another pay cut, but I'm not dwelling on it and simmering in my anger.

I am glad to be taking this medicine.

After a week and a half

I have now been taking an ssri (fancy letters for a serotonin booster) for a week and a half.  Thankfully, the effects on my sleep seem to be winding down, though I didn't get much sleep last night.  Once my sleep regularly returns to something that resembles normal, I hope to begin to feel a change in my mood.

I can say that I haven't burst into tears since the night before taking the medicine.  For quite some time, I had cried every night.  I am very thankful for no tears.  I did get a little teary when people privately sent me kind and supportive notes of encouragement.  Those are tears I can handle.

Overall, I think I am pleased so far.  I am looking forward to taking more positive steps and will, from time to time, keep everyone up-dated on my progress.

 

Don't Worry Be Happy My Ass

I have tried every positive affirmation out there.   I have read hundreds of inspirational quotes.  I have tried to find the silver linings to all of my clouds.

I was not successful.  The fact of the matter is, I'm not sure most people can just will themselves out of a deep clinical depression.  I couldn't.  I couldn't stop the tears that visited me daily.  I couldn't stop the thoughts of wanting to disappear.  I couldn't stop the self-loathing. Since March, I have been barely hanging on.

I've taken the plunge and have started taking an anti-depressant called Cipralex. For a long time, I hesitated to take this path.  I felt ashamed that I couldn't talk myself out of the blues. So much "advice" out there seems suggest that if a person isn't happy, it's because he or she isn't trying hard enough.  That she is clinging to the past.  I did not want to cling to the past, it clung to me.

I want to share my experience with a serotonin booster for two reasons.  The first is that I want to track my own progress to wellness.  The second is to shake the negative views that others may have, the way I did.  After a final emotional outburst over nothing this past Tuesday, I decided to take the medicine that had been in my house for two weeks.  I need to view this medicine as nothing  different than, let's say, high blood pressure medicine.  I currently need it to survive.


I am not going to rely on the medicine alone.  I am going to make a concerted effort to increase my physical activity.  That is a natural anti-depressant.  I will always have papers to grade. I cannot afford to lose my mental stability to those papers, so to the gym and yoga I shall go.  I am also going to make a concerted effort to eat healthier.  Healthy eating often goes by the wayside during the school year, but too much is on the line.

Tonight will be the fifth night of Cipralex.  Let me just tell you that psychotropic drugs are no joke.  The first night, my stomach was very upset, I felt completely drained within two hours, and then woke up an hour early with the worst cotton mouth I have ever had.  The next three nights saw me wake up at either two or three in the morning and not go back to sleep.  I don't know how this will help my mood, but I have to give it some time.

I've learned much on this journey so far.  I appreciate those who have stuck with me and those who have re-entered my life.  I am more glad to be a mother than I have ever been because my son has been my reason to stay alive and my motivation to get healthy.  Like so many before me and many more to follow, I will lower my umbrella and once again find the sunshine.