I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

This post could go negative as I bemoan friendships that were lost in 2013 and the subsequent bridges I burned in an attempt to stop anyone else from hurting me.  I want, instead, to focus on the kernels of good I found in 2013, so I'd rather remember the people who unexpectedly came through and offered their love and support when I was in an emotional free fall.

I won't name anyone specifically because I don't want to put anyone on the spot. 

In May and June, I was having a nervous break down.  I was still reeling from the pain of the love affair gone bad and a good dear friend had just abandoned me after a disagreement.  I felt alone and betrayed.  Why give my heart to anyone?  Why check on someone in physical pain when that person is going to ignore my emotional distress?

Basically, I said fuck it. I entered the school year with dynamite in my soul and blew up as many bridges as I could.  If I could confirm that somebody was a weasel who ran and told administration everything -BOOM!  If you spewed the kool-aid of "reform" - BOOM! Everywhere around me - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  I believed I was worthless and no one cared one iota for me.

Then, I started taking medication and the fog lifted from my eyes.  I looked around me with clarity and I could see the people who supported me - even in subtle ways.  As silly as this sounds, I truly appreciate those handful of people who like every Facebook status I post.  When I closed myself inside of myself, inside of my house and kept the world at bay, they showed me that someone was listening.  You saved my life.

I truly love my friends who pulled me out of my house and invited me to their place or those friends who actually came to my house.  You spent time with me, even though you knew where I was emotionally. You saved my life.

I see now how self-destructive I had become.  I couldn't stop myself, I was too sick.  I can't repair those damaged relationships and I don't want to fix some them - they were toxic.    I have a plan to be more accessible, but on my terms.  My terms will protect me and yet allow people a little access. My terms allow me to do a little good in the world.

I'm putting away the dynamite - the only person it damaged was me.  I see that now.  As odd as it seems, that lesson is one of the best things that happened to me in 2013.