2014 in Song Titles

It would be easy to dismiss 2014 as the worst year of my life, but I won't.  As the year winds down, I can honestly say that I am glad the events of 2014 happened "now" rather than later.  I'm not sure that I would have been strong enough to survive if I endured any more years of serious illness.   Here are the five biggest lessons I learned this year - inspired by song titles.

Labelled With Love

A line from my favorite Squeeze lines states "The past has been bottled and labelled with love."  I could be angry with crappy events from the past.  I could be furious at the destruction of public education.  I could be pissed off at people who disappeared when I got sick or bailed when I left HPS. As a matter of fact, I was mad for quite some time, up to just a few weeks ago.  I don't want to be mad, anymore than I want to be depressed, so I let it go.  I thought back to wise words my very first therapist told me, "you can only control your actions, not what other people do." I'm determined to stick those events, those people, and those old reactions of mine  in bottles and indeed label them with love.  Without all of those bottles, I would have had no idea how to save myself.

Career Opportunities

Changing careers was scary, but it is the best thing to happen to me.  I miss the kids.  I miss being in front of a classroom.  I miss Student Council (like crazy)!  It was time for me to change.

Left of Center

I am not ashamed of my political orientation.  I had, for many years, ignored the political junkie that resided inside of me.  I unleashed her by agreeing to work on the ALF-CIO election campaign this fall.  It was a thrill and I learned quite a bit about strategy and the inner workings of a campaign.  Our side lost, but this girl is going to stay politically active.

On the Road Again

I took only trip this year, but it was a big one - a bucket list trip.  The trip to the Grand Canyon was as significant to my development as a fully confident adult as my first trip to London.  Looking at the grandeur of the canyon overwhelmed me.  As I just told a friend yesterday, looking at the Grand Canyon, I realized just how short life was to spend it being miserable.  There is too much beauty to have my eyes clouded over by depression.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out

There were many times during 2014 when I considered extinguishing my own light. Something stopped my from doing that, presumably my son. Now, I feel the sunshine and the light all on my own.

Thanks for hanging out with me this year.  I worked on getting my mind in some semblance of order.  More work to be done in 2015, with some additional body work.  Why does everything I have read about depression highlight sudden weight loss as a possible symptom?  I bloody well packed on the pounds. Oh well.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

This post could go negative as I bemoan friendships that were lost in 2013 and the subsequent bridges I burned in an attempt to stop anyone else from hurting me.  I want, instead, to focus on the kernels of good I found in 2013, so I'd rather remember the people who unexpectedly came through and offered their love and support when I was in an emotional free fall.

I won't name anyone specifically because I don't want to put anyone on the spot. 

In May and June, I was having a nervous break down.  I was still reeling from the pain of the love affair gone bad and a good dear friend had just abandoned me after a disagreement.  I felt alone and betrayed.  Why give my heart to anyone?  Why check on someone in physical pain when that person is going to ignore my emotional distress?

Basically, I said fuck it. I entered the school year with dynamite in my soul and blew up as many bridges as I could.  If I could confirm that somebody was a weasel who ran and told administration everything -BOOM!  If you spewed the kool-aid of "reform" - BOOM! Everywhere around me - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  I believed I was worthless and no one cared one iota for me.

Then, I started taking medication and the fog lifted from my eyes.  I looked around me with clarity and I could see the people who supported me - even in subtle ways.  As silly as this sounds, I truly appreciate those handful of people who like every Facebook status I post.  When I closed myself inside of myself, inside of my house and kept the world at bay, they showed me that someone was listening.  You saved my life.

I truly love my friends who pulled me out of my house and invited me to their place or those friends who actually came to my house.  You spent time with me, even though you knew where I was emotionally. You saved my life.

I see now how self-destructive I had become.  I couldn't stop myself, I was too sick.  I can't repair those damaged relationships and I don't want to fix some them - they were toxic.    I have a plan to be more accessible, but on my terms.  My terms will protect me and yet allow people a little access. My terms allow me to do a little good in the world.

I'm putting away the dynamite - the only person it damaged was me.  I see that now.  As odd as it seems, that lesson is one of the best things that happened to me in 2013.