I was really sick...

 In 2015, doctors discovered that I had an ulcer that I had that caused a great deal of blood loss. That led to me feeling very sick and a dangerous drop in my hemoglobin and iron counts. Since then, I've taken iron pills and carefully monitor my bloodwork.

Starting in January of last year, I could tell that my hemoglobin/iron was dropping. I can tell because I get out of breath more easily. My heart pounds much harder when I mildly exert myself. My mood dips into depression. I immediately started the process of getting blood work done. I started eating meat after more than a decade of being a vegetarian. 

Sadly, my health continued to decline. I got a blood transfusion on April 10, when my hemoglobin had dropped into the 70s, which is a dangerously low count (or so I've been told). A few weeks later, I had a series of iron infusions. Those helped for about a month, though my count never got higher than 90. It quickly dipped back in the 70s.

From the start of the shelter-at-home until the middle of September, I could hardly move from one room to the next without being short of breath. Suicidal ideation returned with a vengeance. I cried all the time as I retreated further and further into myself.

I reached the nadir of my health woes in early September. I had just started teaching online. One night, I felt as though I was having a heart attack: anxiety, pain in my chest, pain down my left arm, and diarrhea. I told myself that it was the anemia and that if I lived through the night, I would go to the hospital the next day after school, if I still had symptoms. What a deal to make!

I lived and still had some symptoms, so I went to the emergency room. I had not had a heart attack. A series of tests after that would reveal that my heart is in pretty good shape. A week after the non-heart attack, I started a second round of iron infusions, which seemed to have worked this time.

I have energy. I'm able to exercise (at home, pandemic-style). I've just done yoga for the 15th day in a row. I'm doing simple dumbbell exercises for my arms. I've written a little bit everyday. I don't cry as often and I haven't really thought about suicide in a while. I'm reaching out to people and trying to have a conversation with another human (who's not my son or a student) at least once a week. I didn't do any of that from March until September. I feel like a human again.

As of a little before Christmas, my hemoglobin was a healthy 120. That's where is should be. We still have no idea why I experienced the extreme drop of hemoglobin and iron and I suppose that we will try to figure that out. I'm grateful to be past this crisis so I can pay attention to other parts of my health and partake in activities that feed my soul.