Feral

We are nearly a full year into the COVID crisis. Road trips were cancelled. Concert tickets refunded. I haven't had a drink or a bite to eat with a friend. I know that many people in the States have ignored recommendation and lived as if the pandemic doesn't mean anything to them, but my guess is that's why the US is currently at 485,000 COVID deaths.

About a month ago, I wrote about how sick I had been during a large part of the 2020 portion of the pandemic. That meant that I hadn't kept up a number of relationships that now lie in ashes. I hardly talked with anyone. I didn't have the energy.

That takes it own kind of toll on humans, or at least me. The less time I spend with people, the more isolated I am, the more nervous I feel around others. I now experience a great deal of anxiety at the grocery store. I like grocery shopping and always have, especially if the store is fairly empty. I'm not so good in a pre-holiday grocery store. Now, I go once a week, early on Sunday morning. It's pretty empty. Whenever another costumer approaches me, I feel myself tense up and ready to flee from their presence. It's the same feeling I get waiting in line to pay. My mind is racing with silents pleas for people to keep their distance from my space.

The last time I felt like this was when I was out of work for a year. I never left the house because I didn't have any money to go any where. I was a social wreck. I'm sure I botched interviews because I had forgotten how to talk with people.

At some point this spring, I will return to my classroom once a week, to work with very small groups of students. I will have to interact with coworkers, with whom I had only worked five months before we all went home. I have no idea how to talk with them. "So, how was your quarantine?" feels pretty weak to me. Or, my loneliness will explode and I won't shut up, blathering on about nothing. I'll be fully vaccinated, but I'm worried about navigating simple human interactions.

Can I hug my vaccinated coworkers and how creepy is it that I want, no need those hugs? Or eventually when I find myself in a bar and maybe a stranger flirts with me? Okay, I'm over 50 and that won't happen, but maybe it will. How do we work out the awkwardness in a way that is healthy and keeps the inner critic at bay?

Clearly, I'll meditate. I'm still so distracted and at loose ends, that I get almost nothing accomplished. I still shy away from humans and normal interaction. I'm trying not to worry to much. Perhaps being in my classroom will be a good distraction.

I'll sort it out. Or I won't. I'll be back in the world at some point, my feral nature sorted or not.