How to Love by Thich Nhat Hanh

 I'm thinking about the poem I wrote and shared the other day. Before I wrote that, love had been on my mind a lot lately. It still is.

Just before the Christmas break started, I stopped in at 27th Letter Books to look around. Someone had told me about the store in the summer. It's spacious and friendly with a great variety of books. As usual, I had no idea what I was looking for, I just knew that I was looking for something. I found a book by bell hooks (this is probably a week before she died) - all about love: New Visions. I had read essays by hooks, but none of her books, so I decided that I needed to change that. I bought the book, went home, and promptly devoured it.

It deserves a more thorough and mindful reading than I think I gave it. I plan on reading hooks' book one more time and discussing it here. No matter how quickly I read it, it really sparked something inside of me. It sparked a realization that I've probably been "loving" all wrong. My life-long version of love has probably been more lust, with me accepting the time someone spends in bed with me as, at least, affection.

The thing is, in general, no one teaches us about love. That's an idea that hooks mentions several times in her book. Some time in kindergarten, some weirdo relatives starting asking if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. That's not an invitation to love, but it sure does shape our views on companionship. So much, that in my life, I continually choose someone just because he's willing to stick around for a while, insuring that I'm not physically alone for a bit.

Reading all about love took me to a little book I have by Thich Nhat Hanh called How to Love. It's a small book with big ideas about love.These are ideas I wished we openly and actively discussed instead of encouraging five-year olds to roam the playground, looking for romance. For example, Hanh suggests that there are four elements of true love: loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity. He states that, "if your love contains these elements, it will be healing and transforming."

Healing and transforming sound beautiful, so why don't we teach children how to cultivate those elements in all their relationships, romantic or not? Instead, we get to middle school with the caveat, "all kids get teased/bullied sometime."

At 54, I've become romantically invisible to men. That makes me feel quite sad, especially as I'm just learning about these concepts now. It would be great to put them to use. I can, of course, apply loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity to all relationships I have, which is a worthy endeavor. 

The big challenge will be to cultivate these elements toward myself and not just to others. I am worthy of compassion and joy and loving kindness and equanimity. I may not always believe it, but I am. We are all.

Books That Rocked My World

It is rare when literature makes the news the way it has been in the past week.  The "new" novel from Harper Lee, Go Set a Watchman, was released to great anticipation controversy.  I like To Kill a Mockingbird, taught it, but it didn't change my life. On one hand,I'm a little surprised at how many people want to cling to Atticus as hero.  On the other hand, I believe that Chris Rock said something to the effect of, if racism in America is going to decrease, than it's up to white people to make the change.  In that context. I can see why many people want Atticus to remain that great orator of the courtroom.  For me, the story was always a little too pat and neat and Atticus too angelic.

For me the books that have made a huge difference in my life have been messier.  Either the main character is not particularly honorable or the information between the covers destroys the official story of history or society.

With that said, here are a few books that changed my life:

Catcher in the Rye - I know that Holden Caufield comes from incredible privilege and wealth. I know that he is a teenage boy.  I also know that he is mired in a depression that I recognize and have experienced.  I understand why he wants to know what happens to the ducks in the winter.

The Color Purple - Celie's story breaks my heart and mends it with her strength. I do wish she had cut Mr.'s throat.

Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television - This one is probably pretty obscure, but it helped my understand the technology behind television (which has changed greatly) and how that alone hooks us and changes our behavior and thought process.

The People's History of the United States - Our real history.  Not all of it, but episodes we need to know.

The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book - The greatest cartoon of my lifetime, if not of all time.  If I need a smile, or a philosophical thought, I go straight to this book.

This is just a partial list, but I would love to hear about a few books that have influenced you greatly.