Several years ago, I attended a weekend retreat, a combination meditation and life-coaching type of deal. The facilitator encouraged the attendees to stop "shoulding on ourselves." Everyone chuckled at the near naughty word it invoked, but it is a thought that has stuck in the back of my mind for a while. I don't think I heeded the deeper concept behind her advice until very recently.
My son is a pretty anxious kid who believes that every mistake he makes is proof of how rotten he is to the core. Needless to say, his anxiety and my depression sometimes make for an awful combination. He believes that he should be perfect. I have no clue how to not feel hopeless about his feelings.
At one point, I asked him to stop some minor annoyance and he chided himself as being stupid. He say something to the effect of, "I'm 11, I shouldn't be making mistakes like that." That stopped my cold in my tracks and pushed my memory to the "shoulding on ourselves" advice. Until that moment, I hadn't fully realized what a value-loaded word "should" is.
On that day, he and I were headed to lunch and a movie (Inside Out). We discussed the word "should" and how it can sound very judgmental and preachy - especially when we are talking about ourselves. It is a discussion that we now have on a regular basis. While tiring, I believe that the conversation is a good one. We talk about how the words we use reflect our deeper thoughts and feelings. It's actually quite good therapy for both of us.
