About a month ago, I deactivated my Facebook. I really felt like I was frittering away too much time on my phone. I'm still getting the urge to sign on, but so far I've successfully fought off that urge.
I have been exercising more. I have been reading more. Those are pluses. I still need to add in watching some movies and writing more.
I still feel as lonely as I felt when I was on Facebook. This shouldn't surprise me, as loneliness has been a lifelong struggle. Facebook gave me (and probably many of us) the allusion of connection. My current social life is exactly what is was when I was on Facebook - nothing. I stay home every evening. I'm awaiting summer concert announcements. I don't have email, text, or phone conversations with folks (this is as much my fault as anything. I could initiate, but fight the feeling that I have nothing to share).
I think I'm happy with my decision. Much like I'm happy with my decision to not eat fries. I might have a craving, but I don't have to give into something that ultimately isn't good for me. I'll figure out the real life social stuff, because as a human I need to do so for my survival.
2 comments:
For some of us FB isn't just the illusion of connection, it is real connection on a level that we can handle and control. Like you, I am feeling really lonely these days, but without any real desire to engage with people besides my grown kids, and they do not feel the same way about me. They are all I've ever wanted, all I've ever really cared about and worked hard at. It was so difficult for me when they left home, and several years later it has only gotten worse as I realize they don't seem to value my presence in their lives the way I always imagined they would. Aside from watching one of the grandchildren for a few hours a week, I rarely see them. I know they love me and that my longing for them is exacerbated by my loneliness and depression, but knowing that and being okay with it are so far apart that most days I am completely miserable and wondering why I am still alive. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Sometimes Facebook helps with that, and sometimes it makes it worse. I unfollowed people who are eternally happy in their marriages and who live lives of privilege and safety. The humble braggers. One actually posted a pic with the caption "The Caddy is in the shop so I had to drive the Porsche to the gym today!" Fuck all the way off please.
In "real" life I don't have a single friend, but it's my own fault. Friendship is hard and takes too much effort for something that I care little about. There is a woman I worked with who is an absolute delight and who likes me for reasons I can't understand. I reluctantly force myself occasionally to go to her place or to meet somewhere for lunch, but the majority of time I ignore her calls and texts and I think she has gotten the hint. I'm not sure what hint I was sending, as I don't deliberately push her away, but I know I am doing it. I don't trust people. I dump them before they can dump me.
Anyway, there are definitely some connections that happened for me on Facebook, but most of them don't extend beyond into "real life" and if I quit FB those would go away. Where would I be then?
But I get it. It really sucks sometimes.
XOXO
Your last question is my current wrestling partner. Two summers ago, I tried to bring together friends who I thought might be able to travel to Detroit to help me turn 50. I knew you couldn't afford it, so I didn't ask you.
Not one FB friend could make it. I asked two months in advance. One local friend said yes, but I decided to stay home and save the money, I was out of work anyway.
Since then, I've been thinking about the connections I've made. I wonder, who would come get me if I got a flat tire? Would anyone bail me out of jail if I decided to commit an act of civil disobedience? Who can I call to meet me for a spontaneous cup of tea? I couldn't answer those questions with any confidence.
Can I give you a homework assignment? If yes, have a cup of coffee with that delightful woman. This week. Then again in two weeks. Keep the tea to 45 minutes. It might not hurt too much.
Post a Comment