Summertime Blues

 Life is short.

Carpe diem

YOLO (I know no one says this anymore)

What does this mean on a practical basis? 

It will surprise no one that the topic of this post is my lack of a love life and the crush I do have on someone.

I'm not quite sure that crush is even the right term. I truly have feelings for this person and I want him to be happy and well. I want him to thrive no matter what his feelings for me might be.

But, life is short.

Does this mean you share your feelings with someone, even if you're confident he (in this case) doesn't feel anything remotely close to that for you?

I'm not going to publicly list the pros and cons. As remote as it is, someone might see this and be able to identify him, but I think about this situation often. If he learns of my feelings, I want that to come from me.

Back to the idea of carpe diem and it's practical application in day-to-day life. I've joined a dating app. Again. There are an overwhelming number of men in their 20s and early 30s and very few 40 or over. Almost none have caught my eye. Is that because I have feelings for someone and that clouds my judgment? Perhaps.

A broader question is should I just look to hang out and have fun this summer and beyond? Maybe take a few much younger men up on their online flirtation. What could it hurt if everyone understands it's all for fun?

I turn 55 in a month. Is it time to just give up on the idea of a real relationship? Perhaps those days are in my past and now unreasonable. I really don't want to think that, but would things be better if I temper my expectations or is that lowering my standards?

Too many questions. I know that the answer is somewhere deep inside of me. Perhaps my inaction is my answer - just allowing the status quo to continue. Inaction is a decision and has consequences.

I've left a message for a therapist. Maybe that will help.