To you

Hi,

I wanted to write this note to tell you that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I can't help myself; every time I look around at my life, I see you. 

Every day, I spend a couple of minutes reflecting on the tremendous sacrifice you made in your life.  And how I benefited from that sacrifice.  And I cry a little each time. I cry out of joy, out of heartache, and out of fear that I am not worthy of all that you gave up.

I'll never know what your circumstances were.  Perhaps you were a frightened teenage girl.  Perhaps a rape victim.  Perhaps you already had one child and could not keep another.  All I know is that on August 5, 2004, you laid a small, beautiful baby boy on the floor of a bus station in Changzhou and left him there.  I don't know how long you lingered.  I cannot imagine the ache you felt in your soul as you eventually turned from your...our son.  All I do know is this act saved my life.

His name is Andrew and without him, I would have withered away.  Without a doubt, I would have become an embittered, lonely English teacher who drank herself to sleep every night. Instead, I am smothered in hugs and kisses and peppered with questions.  I receive sullen answers and the the stink eye. My hand is tugged by a smaller hand to view the wonders the world offers. Thanks to you, I'm a mom.

On occasion, Andrew asks about you; he wonders if you loved him. I look into his eyes, his face - reflections of yours - and tell him of course. I tell him that you loved him enough to make sure he would go some place safe until we (his parents) could come get him.

I hope that you find peace.  I have never, for a moment, judged you by the decision you made.  Your government gave you few choices. I do envy that you were able to carry him with you for nine months.  But, because of you, I am his mom.  For that, I am forever grateful.

Thank you.