Not a Bucket List

In three months, I will turn 48.  This is a bit mind-boggling to me. In my mind, I'm still in my 30s.  Last week at dinner with a high school, we marveled at the idea that we were really only a couple of years from turning 50.  I have no idea what that is supposed to feel like. When my dad turned 50, we threw an over-the-hill party for him.   I don't feel old. I exercise far more than my parents did.  I go to concerts. I travel.

I am realistic, though. I know that my body might indeed become more and more uncooperative.  Because of that, I've made a list of 50 things I'd like to accomplish before I hit the half-century milestone.  Most of the list consists of little things, many of which I have put off from my younger days. I'd like to roll these things out over the next few days.  Here are the first five items on my Not A Bucket List.

1.  Play Let It Be on the piano. This is probably my favorite song of all time. The lyric s and sentiment have a great deal of meaning to me.  I want to be able to play a passable version of it when I need it.

2.  I want to make a pie, with a non-graham cracker crust.  I cannot lie, pie crust frightens me.  I feel like I don't have the right touch when rolling out dough of any type. I WILL overcome this fear before I turn 50.

3.  I would like to attend a weekend long silent meditation retreat.  Meditation has been a vital key to my return to health and I would like to deepen my practice.

4.  I have visited 14 states.  Not bad.  I would like to visit at least one more new state before my 50th.  Preferably one where the theocrats have not taken over the government.

5.  I want to get arrested for an act of civil disobedience.  If you know me, this requires no explanation. 

Slippage

My job has been keeping me very busy for the last few weeks,and will continue to do so for the next two months.  In general, I get home between seven and eight, after a ten hour day.  This means I am not getting enough exercise or a balanced diet.

Because of that, I've noticed some slippage in the area of mental health.  I am noticing that my thoughts are more circular than they've been in a while.  I am noticing that I'm spending too much time on the couch.  I am noticing that my house is again becoming more cluttered than I would like.

The miracle is that I am noticing all of this and am able to form a plan of action to address my concerns. A year ago, a plan of action was far out of my reach.  I'm not going to say that it will be easy to take action, but it is possible to take steps to heal myself before tumbling to the depths I have previously experienced.

Baby steps. That's all I need to take.  I will only cause myself unnecessary stress if I try to tackle all the issues at once.   A little cleaning here, a little exercise there, and healthy food in the fridge are easy places to start.

In Praise of Idleness

I'm pretty sure the topic of idleness is fairly controversial.  After all, "the devil will find work for idle hands."  Searching through the litany of "famous" quotes about idleness, I have found a fairly even split between those that think idleness is a sin and those who think it a necessity.




I fall in the latter category. I find myself agreeing with John Lennon's song "Watching the Wheels" where he says, "Everybody seems to think I'm lazy/I don't mind, I think they're crazy./Running everywhere at such a speed/Till they find there's no need."  Sometimes, I think we keep busy to give the ourselves the allusion that we are very useful members of society.  While I fully believe that we are all useful members of society, I don't believe that it is our productivity that makes us so.  I think that our simply "being" makes us important.

If our entire worth is based on how busy we are, or how much we produce, what is to be said of children or the disabled who often don't have skills that directly feed the economy?  What about people who actively avoid as much consumerism as they can?  Are they sloth-like because they opt-out of our most entrenched societal norms?

In the last 24 hours, a little over a foot of snow has fallen here.  The side roads are a mess and the main streets are getting better, but it takes a while to clear that much snow. Thus, schools are closed.  While I usually avoid story comments, I love reading the ones attached to articles about school closings.  The rage and indignation registered by adults that children are not going to school is both comical and sad.  Apparently, a snow day is a sign of the looming collapse of the American Empire because our children are too soft to go to school while the streets are impassable.  If we were actually a society that was truly pro-family values, more adults would get snow days without fear of economic reprisal.  Honestly, short of emergency services, if an office or the mall doesn't open today, would the world come to an end? Of course not.  Is it truly idle to go outside and build a snow fort with the kids or to read a book on the couch?  No.  It is these snippets of down time that allow us to recharge and remember what is important in life.

Today, the office where I work stayed closed.  I am going to use this found time to do a little reading and pamper myself a bit.  Maybe paint my nails.  I don't feel one bit guilty.

Color Me Perplexed

While 2014 has been a transformational year for me,  I end the year, questioningly shaking my head about a number of issues.  Not all of these issues are unique to 2014; some have been around for ages.

Why do so many people turn into raving idiots while sitting safely at their keyboards

If I were to make a New Year's Resolution, it would be to never, ever read the comments on a news article again.  I don't understand why news articles even need comments.  Idiotic comments are not found only attached to news articles.  I have read some moronic things attached to posts of organizations I "like" on Facebook.

I used to like a food page, but I couldn't handle everyone who complained that the posted article didn't address GMO food or was a meat recipe.  I am concerned about GMOs and I'm a vegetarian, but I cannot stand fundamentalists in either camp.  Stop being self-righteous pricks! 

Then, I read some horrible, vile comments this year.  If anyone thought for a second that racism is dead, think again. The worst had to be when some "human" called Tamir Rice an "unsupervised ghetto rat."  Who thinks like that?

Why do so many lack empathy?

   From what I can find, about one-third of all Americans live from paycheck to paycheck.   Some wealthier people do it to max out investments.  But, I suspect that middle class families who do this, do so at great risk.  One job loss or major medical issue, and they would be wiped out pretty quickly.  I'm sure they know that.  With so many people living in poverty (15 percent) or on the brink, why do we as a society accept so many policies that punish the poor for being poor?  Drug testing for welfare recipients, anti-minimum wage hike sentiments, cuts to food stamps?  This is how we treat the poor in our country. 

How did we become so apathetic?

Sixty percent of eligible voters stayed home on Election Day this year.   I get that the system is broken.  If my car wasn't working properly, it wouldn't get fixed by sitting in the driveway.  I'd have to tinker with it, or go to someone who could help me fix it.  The system isn't going to fix itself folks; it needs handy men and women who are willing to do a little work to make take it back from the oligarchs. 

Does everything have to be scented?

I own a Swifter.  I know it's not the best environmental cleaning tool out there, but I own one anyway.  I have found it impossible to buy sheets, name brand or generic brand, that are not scented. That scented stuff gives me a headache.  Today at the store, I saw dish towels that have dish detergent and scent in them.  Too many hidden chemicals.

Will there be a Detroit Difford/Tilbrook show this year?

Did we do something wrong? What can I do to fix it?  Just once, I want to see you guys sing and afterward, I go home to my own bed.  The last local show was 2008.  I'll cook, make cake, whatever - just sing in Detroit this year. 

2014 in Song Titles

It would be easy to dismiss 2014 as the worst year of my life, but I won't.  As the year winds down, I can honestly say that I am glad the events of 2014 happened "now" rather than later.  I'm not sure that I would have been strong enough to survive if I endured any more years of serious illness.   Here are the five biggest lessons I learned this year - inspired by song titles.

Labelled With Love

A line from my favorite Squeeze lines states "The past has been bottled and labelled with love."  I could be angry with crappy events from the past.  I could be furious at the destruction of public education.  I could be pissed off at people who disappeared when I got sick or bailed when I left HPS. As a matter of fact, I was mad for quite some time, up to just a few weeks ago.  I don't want to be mad, anymore than I want to be depressed, so I let it go.  I thought back to wise words my very first therapist told me, "you can only control your actions, not what other people do." I'm determined to stick those events, those people, and those old reactions of mine  in bottles and indeed label them with love.  Without all of those bottles, I would have had no idea how to save myself.

Career Opportunities

Changing careers was scary, but it is the best thing to happen to me.  I miss the kids.  I miss being in front of a classroom.  I miss Student Council (like crazy)!  It was time for me to change.

Left of Center

I am not ashamed of my political orientation.  I had, for many years, ignored the political junkie that resided inside of me.  I unleashed her by agreeing to work on the ALF-CIO election campaign this fall.  It was a thrill and I learned quite a bit about strategy and the inner workings of a campaign.  Our side lost, but this girl is going to stay politically active.

On the Road Again

I took only trip this year, but it was a big one - a bucket list trip.  The trip to the Grand Canyon was as significant to my development as a fully confident adult as my first trip to London.  Looking at the grandeur of the canyon overwhelmed me.  As I just told a friend yesterday, looking at the Grand Canyon, I realized just how short life was to spend it being miserable.  There is too much beauty to have my eyes clouded over by depression.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out

There were many times during 2014 when I considered extinguishing my own light. Something stopped my from doing that, presumably my son. Now, I feel the sunshine and the light all on my own.

Thanks for hanging out with me this year.  I worked on getting my mind in some semblance of order.  More work to be done in 2015, with some additional body work.  Why does everything I have read about depression highlight sudden weight loss as a possible symptom?  I bloody well packed on the pounds. Oh well.

A Random Act of Kindness

I have been very open about my struggle with depression.  I have come out of the darkest days, but I occasionally find a wound that is still relatively fresh.

I spent 17 years at Hamtramck High School.  I grew up there.  Sometimes I was brilliant, other times, I was an utter disaster.  At no time, however, could any one say that I did not give my all to the kids, and often times the staff, at Hamtramck. 

I resigned at the end of summer, before the first days of school, so I saw no one and texted a few people good-bye.  Since then, I really haven't heard from any of my former co-workers, even the ones I have contacted.  It's a little like I disappeared at the hands of Winston at the Ministry of Truth.  I've tried not to take the silence personally, but it hasn't been easy.  When I first took my leave, I heard from very few people and that just reinforced the notion that I could disappear and no one would care.  Luckily, my new job keeps me too busy to ruminate on these thoughts.  The medicine also helps quite a bit.

Today, I went to my mailbox and found an assortment of junk, a copy of Rolling Stone, and a card from a former co-worker.  This is a person who was always exceedingly kind and was forever complimenting Student Council, which was great because all of my administrators had their heads too far up their own asses to bother with public accolades.  Anyway, the card left me in tears.  I won't quote the whole card, but here is where the tears flowed freely:

"You can feel tremendous with your accomplishment, Toni!  We can see it in all the kids who have passed through Hamtramck and were fortunate enough to have you as an English teacher or Student Council Rep.  You always worked your "tail off" for our kids....I have been honored to work along side you."

He didn't have to write this card.  No other adult thanked me or acknowledged my work.  This was a beautiful thing.  I don't imagine it took him long to do.  A Facebook friend is always encouraging people to commit one act of Random Kindness.  This act touched me deeply, and I will try and reconcile these warm feelings with the cold sense of loss I feel when I think about others.

Sharing Our Stories

Today, AFT-MI members turned up in Lansing to talk to legislators about a number of issues important to educators in Michigan.

One of the bills that might go to vote during this Lame Duck session is HB 4639.  This bill would give the EAA the authority to take over schools throughout the whole state.  Currently, 15 schools in Detroit are under EAA authority.  I won't even go into what an unmitigated disaster the EAA is.  Eclectablog has done an amazing job covering this train wreck, please give that site some more traffic.

As for the bill, support for it has been largely partisan.  Many Republicans are eager to expand the EAA's powers to other "failing" schools.  Luckily, the AFT has had a huge impact on stopping the district's expansion.  All the AFT-MI did was transport teachers from EAA schools to Lansing and let them tell their stories to legislators, this past spring.

One of the legislators who heard those teachers stories was Republican Senator, John Poppageorge. He initially supported the EAA, but changed his mind after listening to teachers tell their stories.  One of the teachers told the senator that the EAA was a Potemkin village.  Clearly, that analogy made an impression on the senator, as he repeated the phrase to us today to describe his opinion of the EAA.

We have voices, but they are useless if we don't use them.  Teachers have been under attack across the nation at an unprecedented level over the last several years.  If we engage, even minimally, in the political process and simply tell our stories, even members on the other side will listen.