Not a Bucket List

In three months, I will turn 48.  This is a bit mind-boggling to me. In my mind, I'm still in my 30s.  Last week at dinner with a high school, we marveled at the idea that we were really only a couple of years from turning 50.  I have no idea what that is supposed to feel like. When my dad turned 50, we threw an over-the-hill party for him.   I don't feel old. I exercise far more than my parents did.  I go to concerts. I travel.

I am realistic, though. I know that my body might indeed become more and more uncooperative.  Because of that, I've made a list of 50 things I'd like to accomplish before I hit the half-century milestone.  Most of the list consists of little things, many of which I have put off from my younger days. I'd like to roll these things out over the next few days.  Here are the first five items on my Not A Bucket List.

1.  Play Let It Be on the piano. This is probably my favorite song of all time. The lyric s and sentiment have a great deal of meaning to me.  I want to be able to play a passable version of it when I need it.

2.  I want to make a pie, with a non-graham cracker crust.  I cannot lie, pie crust frightens me.  I feel like I don't have the right touch when rolling out dough of any type. I WILL overcome this fear before I turn 50.

3.  I would like to attend a weekend long silent meditation retreat.  Meditation has been a vital key to my return to health and I would like to deepen my practice.

4.  I have visited 14 states.  Not bad.  I would like to visit at least one more new state before my 50th.  Preferably one where the theocrats have not taken over the government.

5.  I want to get arrested for an act of civil disobedience.  If you know me, this requires no explanation. 

Goals, not resolutions

A resolution sounds so definitive. That is why I don't make New Year's resolutions. I usually end up completely disappointed in myself for breaking these grand proclamations. What I prefer to do is to set some reasonably attainable goals and see how that goes.

My first goal is to finish the novel by the end of 2010. I am currently in chapter seven and I need to go back and fill in some research. I'm not worried about that. I need to try and give myself 30 minutes 3 or 4 times a week to write. Ideally, I would write everyday, but I'm trying to be reasonable.

Another goal is to have more Andrew and momma dates. Since I've returned to work, I've become completely bogged down in grading, planning, or recovering. I have not spent time with Andrew the way I'd like, so that will change.

I'd like to read more, primarily non-school books. I'm hoping to be able to get through a book every month, either fiction or non-fiction. Again, since school started, I hardly have time to read the paper and that has to stop.

When I was in high school, I lived and breathed music. I knew the coolest bands not on regular radio. I'd like to discover a few of those bands this year. If a radio station plays Lady Gaga, then it won't play the bands I want to hear. If you've got any suggestions, I'll take them. Also in the category of music, I would love to attend four or five non-Tilbrook concerts. Of course, I'd settle for two Tilbrook Detroit area shows.

There are a gazillion jobs to do here in my old house. Many of them can be done without the aid of a contractor. Alas, they remain undone. I have decided to just do them myself and if I can't I am going to hire someone who can.

Finally, after attending my uncle's funeral, I realize that there are three cousins with whom I'd really like to reconnect. I'm going to work hard to make that happen.

Do you make resolutions or set goals for a new year? What are they?

The only thing we have to fear is...starting all over

In a little over two weeks, I will stand in front of 30 teenagers for an hour at a time a attempt to engage their minds with the greatest authors our country has produced. I have done this job for 13 years, but not for the past year. I am scared that I have lost whatever touch I had gained in the previous 13 years.

My strength as a teacher is the rapport that I have with my students. I can empathize with them as my painful teenage years still run crystal clear in my head. I remember the confusion, the optimism, the anger, the angst, and the reckless joy that I felt, sometimes within minutes of each other. I remember wanting more than whatever my treeless suburban life was offering me. My ability to conjure up these feelings allow me to treat my students with respect that many adults cannot find when dealing with high school students.

As I face the prospect of returning after my year of respite, I fear that I won't be able to be as effective as I had been. The daily grind of marking papers, running Student Council, cooking, running a household prevented me some exploring long lost dreams and goals. Will I be able to maintain a workout schedule that will keep off the weight I've lost? Will I find the precious time to write 600-1000 words a day in my novel? If I lose either of those long desired wants, will it affect me in the classroom? Somewhere else?

Unlike a rookie teacher, I fully understand what is about to hit me as soon as the kids hit the door. I can't help but wonder if ignorance isn't bliss.

A year in review - the sucesses!

It is hard to believe. My one year leave is almost over. I had set a number of goals for myself and I have achieved or made progress toward achieving some of them.

The biggest goal I set for myself was to get in shape and that goal is firmly in the positive column. Since January, I have lost 20 pounds and all of my clothes are too big. I will need to retool my wardrobe for the fall. I feel as though I am physically stronger and that I have far more stamina than I had previously. I am extremely proud of the progress I have made here.

The second goal I that I have made substantial gains on achieving is my writing goal. I am three chapters into my novel and I have bits and pieces of other stories started. That may sound like a hodgepodge of results - it is. But, I am set to finish within the next 12 months because my soul now understands how important this goal is to me. I feel invigorated when I write. Time is still a serious issue, but I hope to tackle that within the next two months.

There are a few goals where I feel that I let myself down. I'll get to those next entry.

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

Here it is, my first week of maintaining my own personal blog and I am already passe. According to an article on Alternet (http://www.alternet.org/story/89439/) too many blogs are nothing more than personal diaries, all too often fit only for grandparents and far-flung relatives.

First of all, I think that I would rather vote Republican than have my parents read this site... Okay, that's a little harsh. But, I certainly do not want this to become some insipid mommy blog with overly sentimental screeds about Andrew's every move (full disclosure - I will weep uncontrollably after dropping him off for his first day of junior kindergarten). I promise to post pictures of the world's cutest boy from time to time.

I want to explore a world of other themes and ideas that have been simmering in my brain for the last 11 years. For that time period, I have had so little personal time, that I feel as though I have lost little bits of my authentic self. Grading papers, poor relationships with idiotic bosses, Student Council, and union duties. In a way, I guess that all of these represent parts of my real self. I'll likely delve into those themes at some point. But, the fact of the matter is that I never have time to read books that are not related to teaching. I have lost touch with my Canon AE-1. I haven't been to a political rally in eons. I love doing those things and I hope that I will be able to reconnect with those issues in the next year.

I've already read two books since starting my leave two weeks ago and I'll share my thoughts about those this weekend. Right now, I'll take suggestions as to books I should read while on my leave. My goal is 40 books in 62 1/2 weeks.