The only thing we have to fear is...starting all over

In a little over two weeks, I will stand in front of 30 teenagers for an hour at a time a attempt to engage their minds with the greatest authors our country has produced. I have done this job for 13 years, but not for the past year. I am scared that I have lost whatever touch I had gained in the previous 13 years.

My strength as a teacher is the rapport that I have with my students. I can empathize with them as my painful teenage years still run crystal clear in my head. I remember the confusion, the optimism, the anger, the angst, and the reckless joy that I felt, sometimes within minutes of each other. I remember wanting more than whatever my treeless suburban life was offering me. My ability to conjure up these feelings allow me to treat my students with respect that many adults cannot find when dealing with high school students.

As I face the prospect of returning after my year of respite, I fear that I won't be able to be as effective as I had been. The daily grind of marking papers, running Student Council, cooking, running a household prevented me some exploring long lost dreams and goals. Will I be able to maintain a workout schedule that will keep off the weight I've lost? Will I find the precious time to write 600-1000 words a day in my novel? If I lose either of those long desired wants, will it affect me in the classroom? Somewhere else?

Unlike a rookie teacher, I fully understand what is about to hit me as soon as the kids hit the door. I can't help but wonder if ignorance isn't bliss.

A first

One of the issues with Andrew's autism is that he has never spontaneously told me that he loves me. Usually, he'll turn his head (eye contact - never) and mumble the words, after I have prompted him several times.

I've been extremely busy these last few weeks. Homecoming is a mere three weeks into school and I have been meeting with Student Council in order to hit the ground running. I want us to have a significantly better year than we had last year. Anyway, that has taken me away from home for whole work days at a time. My husband has told me that Andrew asks after me several times a day - which is his way of saying he misses me.

Last night, after yet another day apart, I was leaving Andrew's room so he could go to sleep. He had already told me, with a huge grin on his face, that he would not give me a hug or a kiss, so I started to walk out of the room. He grabbed my hand to prevent me from leaving and said "I need you Momma. I love you soooo much." Needless to say, I immediately began to cry like a baby. He, of course, repeated the phrase a dozen times in a row and asked me to lay down with him. I did for a few minutes and then left.

I floated on air for the rest of the night. My little guy is going to be just fine.

A year in review - the sucesses!

It is hard to believe. My one year leave is almost over. I had set a number of goals for myself and I have achieved or made progress toward achieving some of them.

The biggest goal I set for myself was to get in shape and that goal is firmly in the positive column. Since January, I have lost 20 pounds and all of my clothes are too big. I will need to retool my wardrobe for the fall. I feel as though I am physically stronger and that I have far more stamina than I had previously. I am extremely proud of the progress I have made here.

The second goal I that I have made substantial gains on achieving is my writing goal. I am three chapters into my novel and I have bits and pieces of other stories started. That may sound like a hodgepodge of results - it is. But, I am set to finish within the next 12 months because my soul now understands how important this goal is to me. I feel invigorated when I write. Time is still a serious issue, but I hope to tackle that within the next two months.

There are a few goals where I feel that I let myself down. I'll get to those next entry.