How Am I Doing?

 In general, the question "How are you" is a space filler that isn't intended to elicit an honest answer. To be honest, in the bad old days of my mental health crisis, that question made me feel awful because I knew how sick I was. There are better questions to ask. 

Every once in a rare while, "How are you" hits in the deepest, most sincere way. I'm president of my local teachers' union. The district endured a self-inflicted staffing crisis that took a lot of energy to address. We're also getting ready to negotiate a new contract and dealing with the Omicron surge.We've been teaching remotely since the end of the break, which has been smart, but isolating.

One day this week, a member sent me a text that moved me to tears.

It hit me so hard. Look at all of those hats I wear. If I think back to 2014, I 'm shocked that I'm even still alive. I'm stunned and proud that I'm coping as well as I am.

Oddly, very few people have sincerely asked me this question. About three people on my team regularly check in on me and I love them for that.

In fact, I don't know how to answer. I'm busy. Crazy busy. My house is a wreck. I stay home because of Covid. I don't share any of that with folks because my non-union friends don't need to hear about all the crazy in my work life. If I shared all of that, no one else would speak. I don't want to share all of it with my union friends because they're already dealing with a level of the same crazy I am. I just have more of the crazy because it's my job to try and fix some of it. I'm the dumping ground for the crazy.

The question that regularly runs through my mind is should I actively seek out someone to whom I can vent? The president just before me encouraged me to find someone to fill that role. It feels odd. Who wants to hear about all of the bullshit that I deal with on a daily basis? How do I not bring that person down? I guess that there's a skill to venting. I can learn, but I still worry that no one really wants to hear about all of it. I guess those old insecurities like to hang around for a long. Still a work in progress.

Maybe that's how I'll answer that question - I'm still evolving.