Take That Cancer

This will be brief because regular readers and friends already know this story.

For a while this summer, I worried that I might have cancer.  Colon cancer.  I didn't.  It was a pre-cancerous polyp.
 

While that notion still worries me a bit, it wasn't cancerous now. That was a huge worry that hung over my head at the end of the school year until the end of July.

Whew!

Mommy's Little Helper

Another positive that came out of 2013 was letting go of a stigma and helping myself out of a dangerous hole.

I've already said several times that taking medication for my depression was a good decision.  I cannot believe how much it has helped me.  I can get out of negative circular thinking more quickly than without it.  I don't burst into tears nearly as often as I was before I started the meds. My house is a little neater.  I have more energy and am not just going to bed regularly at 9:00 to escape dark thoughts.

I had been worried that my emotions would flatten out completely.  That hasn't been the case; I can still feel joy and sadness. 

I had been worried that my libido would be crushed.  That hasn't been the case, thankfully.

Things aren't perfect.  I'm still crabby at work, but there are complicated dynamics in place which cause me to shield myself.  I feel a little better able to handle those issues than I did before taking an anti-depressant, though.

Most importantly, I no longer want to kill myself. 

For that, I will live to see 2014.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

This post could go negative as I bemoan friendships that were lost in 2013 and the subsequent bridges I burned in an attempt to stop anyone else from hurting me.  I want, instead, to focus on the kernels of good I found in 2013, so I'd rather remember the people who unexpectedly came through and offered their love and support when I was in an emotional free fall.

I won't name anyone specifically because I don't want to put anyone on the spot. 

In May and June, I was having a nervous break down.  I was still reeling from the pain of the love affair gone bad and a good dear friend had just abandoned me after a disagreement.  I felt alone and betrayed.  Why give my heart to anyone?  Why check on someone in physical pain when that person is going to ignore my emotional distress?

Basically, I said fuck it. I entered the school year with dynamite in my soul and blew up as many bridges as I could.  If I could confirm that somebody was a weasel who ran and told administration everything -BOOM!  If you spewed the kool-aid of "reform" - BOOM! Everywhere around me - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  I believed I was worthless and no one cared one iota for me.

Then, I started taking medication and the fog lifted from my eyes.  I looked around me with clarity and I could see the people who supported me - even in subtle ways.  As silly as this sounds, I truly appreciate those handful of people who like every Facebook status I post.  When I closed myself inside of myself, inside of my house and kept the world at bay, they showed me that someone was listening.  You saved my life.

I truly love my friends who pulled me out of my house and invited me to their place or those friends who actually came to my house.  You spent time with me, even though you knew where I was emotionally. You saved my life.

I see now how self-destructive I had become.  I couldn't stop myself, I was too sick.  I can't repair those damaged relationships and I don't want to fix some them - they were toxic.    I have a plan to be more accessible, but on my terms.  My terms will protect me and yet allow people a little access. My terms allow me to do a little good in the world.

I'm putting away the dynamite - the only person it damaged was me.  I see that now.  As odd as it seems, that lesson is one of the best things that happened to me in 2013.

You win some, you lose some.

The end of this year cannot come quickly enough.  I made too many stupid mistakes (which I am too old to make) and was hurt by people from whom I never expected it. I don't want, however, to dismiss it outright.  I have been trying to think of this year's big highlights.  Until New Year's Eve, I will try to post something positive about 2013 and not dwell in the negative.  For today's highlight:

LOVED AND LOST

Fifteen years is a big age gap. I should have known better.  Let's face it, a younger, good-looking, virile man turned his gaze to me and I melted.  Red flags were everywhere, but I didn't care. The passion was hot and mind-blowing. I walked with confidence and a secret smile. I had never experienced anything like it.

The end of this tryst was as fiery as the relationship was hot.  I don't regret for one minute that it happened, even with all the pain I felt in the end.  For those few months, I felt beautiful and sexy.  I'd like to feel that way again, this time without so much pain.