More Love

There's so much in the bell hooks' book I want to discuss. I kind of feel a little overwhelmed by all of the material. Nonetheless, let's try a post today. My last one was not one of the best I've ever written, so I hope I redeem myself a bit here.

The overwhelming aspect of trying to write about hooks' ideas is to pick which part to discuss that feels most relevant to me without going on and on about my greatest self-pity hits. How often can I bemoan the loneliness that fills most of my days or how I think that I'm an awful mom or the fear I'm currently feeling about this crush I have. I'll try to avoid those, but as I currently do not have a therapist, I make no promises.

Let's examine what it means to live by a "love ethic." The chapter starts off with "Awakening to love can happen only as we let go of our obsession with power and domination." I have mentioned before that I am union president for my school district. We are currently in negotiations. Just yesterday, a trusted adviser told me that negotiations shouldn't be about power, but a conversation about solving problems. Once power becomes the language and goal of negotiations, both sides have lost. I really needed to hear those words as I had been a little down after the last negotiation session. Negotiations could be done with a love ethic and that's a goal I'm going to set for myself.

hooks writes "A love ethic presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well. To bring a love ethic to every dimension of our lives, our society would need to embrace change." I think this is why I became a teacher. I had a very influential teacher in my life who saw the potential in me and expressed her belief in me. That's love. That's what I hope to do for my students, help them see their own worth and live in a manner that honors their worth. 

I also think this is why I wanted to be union president. In the chapter "Community: Loving Communion," hooks says "When we see love as the will to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth, revealed through acts of care, respect, knowing, and assuming responsibility, the foundation of all love in our life is the same. There is no special love exclusively for romantic partners. Genuine love is the foundation of our engagement with ourselves, with family, with friends, with partners, with everyone we choose to love." My aspiration for the local is that it becomes a cherished member of the community where we teach. That works to deepen our relationship with students and families and it gets us allies. Teachers have been vilified for the last 40 years, stronger relationships in the community can only help to straighten out the lies that have been oft-repeated. That can only help to further love in our world, because love can't live in the fog of lies and disinformation.

I think I'll stop here for today. There is one more section I want to address, but I'll save that for another day.

That book

 I finished reading the bell hooks' book (all about love: New Visions). I placed 46 sticky notes in the book. That's a lot of material to cover, but it's Spring Break (and snowing outside) and I've got time.

I'm going to start with the definition of love that hooks uses. She uses the the definition of that is in M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled which is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." I find this expansive definition of love to be really useful. It covers both romantic and platonic love. I also find it a little sad, as I'm not sure I've ever been loved in this manner. I know that I may be personalizing the issue, but what is life if love is lacking? I'm also left with the question - have I loved anyone in this manner? 

As I look back on my life, I can clearly see that none of my romantic relationships fit this. Neither I nor any of my romantic partners were looking out for each other's spiritual growth. I feel fairly certain that most of my friendships have not nourished anyone's spiritual growth. Perhaps this is why I've felt so lonely most of my life.

My biggest concern, however, is that I haven't actually parented from a true love point of view. I'm trying very mindfully to adjust my behavior when I interact with my soon-to-be 18 year old son. Is it too late?

This has been on my mind since I first read it in December. I suspect it will stay there as I try to navigate any and all relationships in my life.

All About Love - Preface and Introduction

I knew that I would dive back into All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks the second I finished reading it the first time. During my first reading, I didn't write in the book or put any sticky notes on any pages, which is unusual. When I read nonfiction, I almost always write all over the book. I didn't do that because I knew that what I was reading was important and I wanted the ideas to wash over me without me over analyzing first. I wanted to emotionally react first. I touch on my first reading in this post from the beginning of the year.

If no one minds, I'm going to work out my thoughts to the book in bits and pieces here. It would be great if you share your thoughts with me, especially if you've read the book. Even if you haven't, I'd like to hear from you. Dialogue is far more interesting than monologue.

I think I'm going to proceed by highlighting some of the parts that spoke to me for whatever reason. Maybe a sentence. Maybe a passage. Maybe a question that arose while reading. 

The last sentence in the Preface is, "When we love we can let our heart speaks." What immediately came to mind was the idea of fear. What if fear of opening up, especially in a new situation, keeps us from allowing our hearts to speak? I have mentioned before that I'm quite smitten with someone who is younger than me, but I'm terrified to say anything for fear of looking like a foolish old woman. Does this mean that love is not present? I don't know. hooks' sentence feels true to me. Love is liberating. Fear is not.

I underlined several passages in the Introduction and placed several sticky notes next to other passages. I'm not sure where to start. I guess let's start here: "all the great movements for social justice have strongly emphasized a love ethic." I am, as president of a small union, trying to approach my duties as with a love ethic. Love for the members, love for my students, love for the profession of teaching. This is a different point of view than I had 10 years ago when I was not so healthy. 

Next is the notion that a woman over 40 who speaks of love is perceived as desperate. This ties directly to the fear I talked about in relation to that younger man. A few pages later, hooks wrote that many people have learned that speaking about love "with any emotional intensity means we will be perceived as weak." In the margins I wrote that I burst into tears while reading this. How sad is it that people might view someone else as weak if they speak about love. But, then again, I'm afraid of being seen as desperate and foolish.

The final part of the Introduction that captured my attention is what she describes as "a callous cynicism that frowns upon any suggestion that love is as important as work, as crucial to our survival as a nation as the drive to succeed. Awesomely, our nation, like no other in the world, is a culture driven by the quest to love ... even as it offers so little opportunity for us to understand love's meaning or to know how to realize love in word and deed." This will make more sense when we get to the definition of love that hooks uses throughout the book -which she reveals in Chapter 1. That will be my next entry.

See you in a few days, unless you leave a comment, which would be great.

Diving Back In

 I am 54 years old. I've been separated for more than a decade now. 

Since 2014, I have endured three major health crises, two substantial bouts of unemployment, and a pandemic. Due to those health issues, I'm overweight, though I can't tell you a number because scales actually depress me and destroy my motivation. I'm also lonely and would like to have someone to cuddle in next to at night.

The age thing, the weight thing, and the loneliness thing intersect. They always do. 

I have a crush on someone. We're friends and I've been developing feelings for him. I'm afraid to act on those feelings because he's considerably younger than me and I just can't imagine that someone that young and handsome would want to hang out with someone as old as me. Or as round as me.

Here is where weight intersects with the loneliness. About a month ago, I signed up for Weight Watchers. The multiple health crises led me to put on a fair amount of weight. Absolutely nothing in my closet fit me. I had to buy new clothes and often chose frumpy, shapeless outfits to hide my body. I felt enormous amounts of shame. Logically, I knew that my health problems had caused the weight gain. Weight Watchers is useful, but I find it unsustainable. For example, I enjoy making homemade soup, but I haven't sorted out a way to track the points on that. I've fallen back to eating salads for dinner most days. That is also not sustainable. One of my health issues is fairly severe anemia for which I gave up being a vegetarian. Meat has high point values. But, I want to date and everyone has consumed the same messages about the ideal shape of a woman's body. So, salads it is.

I try to fight off those messages because I know they're trash. I signed up on a dating app, hoping to fight off the loneliness. It's unnerving. What if I meet someone in good shape. I'm kind of spooked by the prospect that someone will see me without clothing. Again, logically, I know the garbage behind that kind of thinking, so I try to fight off those thoughts. I feel, however, that my experience isn't unique. I imagine many women feel this way. Probably men, too. 

I'm aware of the dichotomy between the messaging and logic. What about those who aren't aware of the influences of the perfect body images that are out there? We know that social media can have a negative impact on how we feel about our bodies. We need to help each other be more mindful of the messages that impact our behavior and attitudes. I'll start with myself. It might take a while, but it will be worth the effort.

In the meantime, what should I do about that crush?

Another Poem

 I'm a bit surprised by how much I've been writing lately. Maybe I'm writing so much because my school district is online right now to avoid Omicron. In person, when my students are working independently, I wander around the room and engage them in conversation about the task or subject, asking questions that, I hope, spur on critical thinking. While they're working independently online, I kind of just stare at the screen and remind them to ask if they need help. That leaves me some time on my hands and what better to do with that time than write.

I'm also participating in a 5-day Mindful Writing Challenge. I also wrote with this challenge last year. I'm sitting down everyday, intentionally writing. That makes a huge difference.

I won't share the prompt that I'm given, but I do want to share the poem that I wrote for Day 1. I usually write fiction and only dabble in poetry. Since the pandemic hit, I have found myself writing a lot more poetry. I don't know why. I do know that I've struggled with fiction since the pandemic has started. 

As I said, I want to share the poem I wrote for day 1. This is the first love poem I have ever written in my life. I hope you enjoy it.

To My Friend

The impossible jubilance in your smile

blossoms hope in my heart that

maybe,

just maybe

love is growing in the orchard of our friendship.

I have lived too long in the shade of loneliness;

I can't read the signs,

if, indeed, there are signs.

The warmth of your kindness burns away the shadows,

leaving the tantalizing sweetness of

our conversations

on my tongue.

How to Love by Thich Nhat Hanh

 I'm thinking about the poem I wrote and shared the other day. Before I wrote that, love had been on my mind a lot lately. It still is.

Just before the Christmas break started, I stopped in at 27th Letter Books to look around. Someone had told me about the store in the summer. It's spacious and friendly with a great variety of books. As usual, I had no idea what I was looking for, I just knew that I was looking for something. I found a book by bell hooks (this is probably a week before she died) - all about love: New Visions. I had read essays by hooks, but none of her books, so I decided that I needed to change that. I bought the book, went home, and promptly devoured it.

It deserves a more thorough and mindful reading than I think I gave it. I plan on reading hooks' book one more time and discussing it here. No matter how quickly I read it, it really sparked something inside of me. It sparked a realization that I've probably been "loving" all wrong. My life-long version of love has probably been more lust, with me accepting the time someone spends in bed with me as, at least, affection.

The thing is, in general, no one teaches us about love. That's an idea that hooks mentions several times in her book. Some time in kindergarten, some weirdo relatives starting asking if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. That's not an invitation to love, but it sure does shape our views on companionship. So much, that in my life, I continually choose someone just because he's willing to stick around for a while, insuring that I'm not physically alone for a bit.

Reading all about love took me to a little book I have by Thich Nhat Hanh called How to Love. It's a small book with big ideas about love.These are ideas I wished we openly and actively discussed instead of encouraging five-year olds to roam the playground, looking for romance. For example, Hanh suggests that there are four elements of true love: loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity. He states that, "if your love contains these elements, it will be healing and transforming."

Healing and transforming sound beautiful, so why don't we teach children how to cultivate those elements in all their relationships, romantic or not? Instead, we get to middle school with the caveat, "all kids get teased/bullied sometime."

At 54, I've become romantically invisible to men. That makes me feel quite sad, especially as I'm just learning about these concepts now. It would be great to put them to use. I can, of course, apply loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity to all relationships I have, which is a worthy endeavor. 

The big challenge will be to cultivate these elements toward myself and not just to others. I am worthy of compassion and joy and loving kindness and equanimity. I may not always believe it, but I am. We are all.

A Disability is not an Advantage

The one aspect of the that has disturbed me most about the college admissions scandal is the fact that several of the wealthy parents faked medical disabilities for their children.

It's bad enough that they bought spots in schools that their children didn't deserve or even want. As the parent of a child with real disabilities, it's furious that these rich morons think that having a disability is some sort of advantage.

My son has Asperger's, a general anxiety disorder, and ADHD. If I could wave a magic wand so he could be neurotypical, I would gladly give up the extra time he gets on tests and assignments. Extra time he doesn't even want to take because he worries that it makes him appear weak.

If I could wave a magic wand so he could be neurotypical, I would and he wouldn't have been mercilessly bullied in seventh and eighth grade.

If I could wave a magic wand so he could be neurotypical, I would and he would not have several small panic attacks everyday during which he freezes and tells himself that he's a bad person for making small mistakes.

If I could wave a magic wand so he could be neurotypical, I would and he would understand how to read faces and help ease social interactions.

Those rich vacuous parents have no clue how hard a person with a disability works to manage and function in a world that generally doesn't understand disabilities, especially the invisible ones. Their children are like little trophies that mommy and daddy proudly display at cocktail parties. They brag about lies and their privilege as if they earned whatever their children may actually accomplished. I'm not even sure that they love their children as much as they love their own ego and reputation.

I'm not a perfect parent, by any stretch of the imagination. I am willing to accept my child for his strengths, faults, and struggles. In a way, I guess I feel sorry for them, as they don't appear to understand unconditional love.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

This post could go negative as I bemoan friendships that were lost in 2013 and the subsequent bridges I burned in an attempt to stop anyone else from hurting me.  I want, instead, to focus on the kernels of good I found in 2013, so I'd rather remember the people who unexpectedly came through and offered their love and support when I was in an emotional free fall.

I won't name anyone specifically because I don't want to put anyone on the spot. 

In May and June, I was having a nervous break down.  I was still reeling from the pain of the love affair gone bad and a good dear friend had just abandoned me after a disagreement.  I felt alone and betrayed.  Why give my heart to anyone?  Why check on someone in physical pain when that person is going to ignore my emotional distress?

Basically, I said fuck it. I entered the school year with dynamite in my soul and blew up as many bridges as I could.  If I could confirm that somebody was a weasel who ran and told administration everything -BOOM!  If you spewed the kool-aid of "reform" - BOOM! Everywhere around me - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  I believed I was worthless and no one cared one iota for me.

Then, I started taking medication and the fog lifted from my eyes.  I looked around me with clarity and I could see the people who supported me - even in subtle ways.  As silly as this sounds, I truly appreciate those handful of people who like every Facebook status I post.  When I closed myself inside of myself, inside of my house and kept the world at bay, they showed me that someone was listening.  You saved my life.

I truly love my friends who pulled me out of my house and invited me to their place or those friends who actually came to my house.  You spent time with me, even though you knew where I was emotionally. You saved my life.

I see now how self-destructive I had become.  I couldn't stop myself, I was too sick.  I can't repair those damaged relationships and I don't want to fix some them - they were toxic.    I have a plan to be more accessible, but on my terms.  My terms will protect me and yet allow people a little access. My terms allow me to do a little good in the world.

I'm putting away the dynamite - the only person it damaged was me.  I see that now.  As odd as it seems, that lesson is one of the best things that happened to me in 2013.

What Squeeze means to me

I think that many of my non-Squeeze friends find my activities a bit...odd. I mean, I am a mom in her mid 40s who travels around to see an underrated 80s band perform old songs. They haven't put out new material and I travel by myself. I've been thinking about this for a long time now and I've come up with something. For me, Squeeze=love and community.

A long time ago, I was a very shy girl, who did not believe in herself. My parents were a touch over-protective and for the most part, my social life was very limited. I carried that girl inside of me for a long time, well into adulthood. I molded myself to whatever situation I encountered, just so I would fit in. Except for music. I kept my musical taste true to my actual self. As insecure as I was, I didn't share my music with others. I don't know why.

Since ninth grade, Squeeze has been my favorite band. I loved Chris Difford's storytelling and clever lyrics. Of course, there was Glenn Tilbrook and his voice and...well, everyone knows about my crush. They weren't hardcore enough for my more punk friends and were under the radar for other friends - underdogs. Perfect for me.

I followed them through records and attending shows when I could. I lost track of them when I became a teacher. Hell, I lost track of everything when I became a teacher. But, I found them again when they toured in 2008 and even more so when I saw Glenn perform in Cleveland in 2009. As a matter of fact, that show was a real turning point in my life. I mean, he and his band the Fluffers were so nice and I met other fanatics. I can't fully explain what it was about that night, I just knew I needed to travel and see shows.

That's what I've been doing. All along the way, I meet more people who love what I do. I have visited places that I probably wouldn't have visited. Honestly, if I hadn't gone to San Diego during this past Easter break, you know what I would have been doing? Grading papers and sitting around. Why do that? Instead, I got a tan, made new friends and talked with my favorite musicians. I learned that my lifelong crush really knows who I am as unprompted he asked my how my school year was going. I met the woman who edited my novel at a gig on Long Island. I'm going to London during the Olympics because of Squeeze.

I wouldn't have my life any other way.