I'm sure it's nothing

Within the last week, I have experienced blood with bowel movements five times. After the first time, I immediately made an appointment with my doctor.

She poked and peeked and could determine nothing that could easily explain the blood.  Frankly, I was really pulling for a broken blood vessel or a pimple, but no. So, she ordered two tests for me.  She warned me that for one test, I couldn't have vitamin C.  I'm a vegetarian, so this was a daunting task, but like a trooper, I ate not much all weekend and produced a sample for the two bottles the lab had given me on Friday.

Sadly, there was blood on these samples and I worried.  Okay, honestly, I cried.

I took those samples to a different lab, where I learned that there was one more test required - this one was the no vitamin C test.  I did not cry.  I mumbled to myself and went home to read the instructions for the three-day test.  I could eat vegetables, so that was a plus. 

I called my doctor's office and asked if we could just go ahead a schedule a colonoscopy.  There was blood in the samples I turned in and there was blood on the sample I took when I got home, so why not?  The receptionist was quite willing to to do so, but warned me that it could take two months to get an appointment.  Of course, I could play the system and go to emergency. I've already spent time in emergency this year, so that idea doesn't thrill me.

My next option is to find a doctor, in the Detroit area who will take me on and refer me for a colonoscopy, more quickly than two months.  I haven't been to an American doctor in at least six years.  So, I turn to you, my readers, for referrals.  If you really like your family doctor, please feel free to share the doctor's name, phone, and address.

I was not going to share this with anyone.  Frustratingly, I need to formulate a Plan B and I need a little help to do that. I am sure that this is not a big deal, but I'd like eliminate all the concern that is creeping into my head.

To you

Hi,

I wanted to write this note to tell you that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I can't help myself; every time I look around at my life, I see you. 

Every day, I spend a couple of minutes reflecting on the tremendous sacrifice you made in your life.  And how I benefited from that sacrifice.  And I cry a little each time. I cry out of joy, out of heartache, and out of fear that I am not worthy of all that you gave up.

I'll never know what your circumstances were.  Perhaps you were a frightened teenage girl.  Perhaps a rape victim.  Perhaps you already had one child and could not keep another.  All I know is that on August 5, 2004, you laid a small, beautiful baby boy on the floor of a bus station in Changzhou and left him there.  I don't know how long you lingered.  I cannot imagine the ache you felt in your soul as you eventually turned from your...our son.  All I do know is this act saved my life.

His name is Andrew and without him, I would have withered away.  Without a doubt, I would have become an embittered, lonely English teacher who drank herself to sleep every night. Instead, I am smothered in hugs and kisses and peppered with questions.  I receive sullen answers and the the stink eye. My hand is tugged by a smaller hand to view the wonders the world offers. Thanks to you, I'm a mom.

On occasion, Andrew asks about you; he wonders if you loved him. I look into his eyes, his face - reflections of yours - and tell him of course. I tell him that you loved him enough to make sure he would go some place safe until we (his parents) could come get him.

I hope that you find peace.  I have never, for a moment, judged you by the decision you made.  Your government gave you few choices. I do envy that you were able to carry him with you for nine months.  But, because of you, I am his mom.  For that, I am forever grateful.

Thank you.

Teacher Evaluations

There are approximately 30 days left in the school year.  Of those, we have a half-day just before the Memorial Day weekend and three half-days for final exams. I'm thrilled and nervous all at once.  You see, I have not yet been evaluated.

In years past, I wouldn't worry about an issue like this.  Last year, I was one of the highest rated teachers in the building, for what it's worth.  But, thanks to the new tenure law in Michigan, I must worry. Even though I have been unable to locate the exact wording, I do know that the law states that if a teacher is NOT evaluated, the rating for that teacher defaults to an ineffective rating.  That's right, if my boss does not evaluate me, I will be automatically deemed ineffective. Three ineffective ratings in a row and a teacher can lose her license.  It boggles my mind. 

Does this make any sense to anyone?  Are there any other professions that have been hounded like teachers? Please contact your people in Lansing and tell them that this situation is deplorable.

In the meantime, I will sit back and see what happens with my situation.  If I am not evaluated, I will contact my union and see what my rights are to fight back. 

Curves and all

I believe that winter's grip on Michigan has finally been broken and spring is finally here to heat things up a bit. I've been able to get out and walk and it's nice to see the world after spending too many days inside, snarling at the snow.

Like so many others, I am looking to shed a few pounds before I pull out my more revealing clothes. As I take my walks, I see all types of body types wearing skimpy clothes and I wonder, "Why don't I feel more comfortable in teeny clothes?" I have seen some big girls in daisy dukes or skirts up to here. I kind of envy that comfort they seem to possess.  I even worry about wearing sleeveless tops because I can't stand how my arm flab shakes. However, this is part of what happens when we age.

It's not that I don't work out, I do.  I get to the gym once or twice a week and I try to exercise at home.  I have seen first hand the end results of a life too sedentary. I don't want that.  I also, like a well-programmed sheep, want to be a little thinner, so I appeal more to the opposite sex.  I'm not sure that I will ever be thin enough to feel secure in a bathing suit. Just the thought fills me with dread.

On the other hand, I saw a woman at the gym today who was in terrific shape.  I usually see her on Saturday and Sunday mornings. This woman has not one ounce of fat on her and her muscles are clearly defined.  The picture of health.  She had no boobs, but could probably kick my ass with one hand tied behind her back. She is clearly disciplined and has the utmost in will-power.  I fail miserably in both categories.  I also don't want to look as angular as she did.  I like my curves, or at least most of them. So, if I like them, and can even honestly say I think I am pretty, why the reticence to show off the curves in warm weather?  Have I truly been so programed by society's take on beauty that I can't let myself go?  I thought I was better than that.

Out of Whack

Yesterday, the Senate refused to pass a law that would have required a background check for anyone looking to purchase a gun at a gun show or over the internet.  There are many ways to purchase a gun without being checked.  Before anyone screams second amendment at me, the law in question did NOT propose to take any guns away.  It simply sought to close some loopholes in the background checking system.

Let me put this in perspective.  Let's pretend I have a boyfriend.  Let's say my pretend boyfriend is my age, his mid 40s. Let's say we get a little amorous in his mini-van, in a park at night, and the police knock on the window.  Stupid on our part, right?  We should know better and we promise the police that we are going to head straight home, just as soon as we can pull our pants up from around our ankles.

This situation could actually turn out quite bad, for me. You see, if the police really want to pursue this, we could be charged with indecent exposure.  We could have to go to court.  If found guilty, I could lose my teaching license, even though I was with a consenting adult. You see, a conviction like this puts me on the sex offenders list.

If, let's say, I have been convicted of a felony, let's say a domestic assault charge; I can go to an unlicensed dealer, at a gun show, and purchase a gun, without a background check.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Music

I read an article from the Guardian this morning about how powerful music is in our lives. The author talks about the tears that flow every time she hears a song that reminds her of her grandmother's death.

I get this. There are a number of songs that trigger strong emotional reactions in me.  Sometimes, a song can transport me to a time long ago.  Sometimes, there are words or lines in a song that reminds me of someone or an event.

For example, I get very emotional every time I hear Stevie Wonder's "As" It stirs my deep love for my son, especially the line "I'll be loving you always."  It makes my eyes watery because I frankly never believed that I could feel unconditional love for anyone.

On a happier note, "Labelled With Love"  will forever remind me a magical night at the Pelton Arms during the summer of 2011, a trip that started my love affair with London.

More recently, I've been a obsessed with Adele's "Turning Tables" because it reminds me of someone who hurt me in a way that resulted in the end of a relationship that I didn't want to end.

What song or songs trigger that emotional response in you?  Feel free to leave a link to a video.

A crazy law for no reason

Somehow, this slipped under my radar when it first passed the Michigan legislative body.  Under our teachers' contract, a teacher may opt out of the district health insurance plan and receive a stipend.  This move saves the district probably $8,000 per person who opts out.  Under the new law, the stipend  must be divided up among all members of the union and paid by them.

This is not educational reform.  This strips away local control and will ultimately cost districts more money.  So, why does it exist?

Union busting in the form of divide and conquer.

I cannot, in good conscience, encourage anyone to go into teaching.   Find something where at least politicians will basically leave you alone.