Light bulb moment

Twenty-four years ago, I set out to study for a year in Paris; it had been a long-time dream of mine. Just before I left, I entered into my first relationship and fell in love with my first boyfriend. The only thing I had wanted more than to go to Paris was to have a boyfriend. My fear of being alone and without a boyfriend completely sabotaged my study abroad experience. I suffered from panic attacks, cried constantly, and finally arranged to go home after 6 weeks. I was embarrassed and sad. And, to be honest, I'm not really sure that, internally, I have ever fully recovered at the shame I felt.

Twenty-four years later, I stand on the edge of divorce, the polar opposite of being in one's first relationship, though there is a boy at home I love. I find myself in another large European city, this time London. Unlike my Paris experience, I am not living with a family, nor do I have a roommate. I have come here without a traveling companion. I worried for quite some time that 20-year old Toni would emerge from the recesses of my psyche. I thought seriously about canceling the trip. Needless to say, I didn't because I am writing this from a hotel room in London (Camden), listening to the morning songs of delivery trucks and shopkeepers preparing for the day.

Instead of anxiety and fear, I am filled with awe, and contentment. The thought of being here for 10 days on my own is no longer scary. How can that be? During breakfast, I read an article from the October edition of The Sun (yes, I'm a little behind in my reading, but what's new). The article was titled "Simply Being Aware" by Abhishktananda and it struck me as perfect. In this article, he says

The mind...realizes more and more its inability to say "I am this or that; I am this person or that person." For in the very moment at which the thought appears that I am this or that, this person or that person, then the manifistation with which I have automatically tried to identify myself in the flow of consciousness has fled away from me - but I continue...."I am," and there is no need for me to strive in order to find this "I am." I am not an "I" searching for itself.

I started this journey thinking that I would find myself. As if I were lost. Reading this article over Corn Flakes this morning, I realized that things can be much easier than I make them. I'm not lost, no matter how poetic it sounds. I just have to open my arms and welcome myself to my own existence. For this moment, my life is in this little hotel room and a week from today it will be in Windsor. I must remember that I am in the driver's seat and set the pace. If I don't like the direction, it's my job to turn the wheel.