Dear George Clooney,
First of all, let me offer you my deepest sympathies on your recent break up with your girlfriend of two years. A quick look at this list is quite impressive. Let's face it, all of your paramours have been HOT. If I were a lesbian, I'd hook up with any of them. But, I'm not gay. What I am is a simple mid-west girl who teaches high school in...well, I'll just say Detroit because it's easier for now. I explain it better over drinks.
I want to suggest something that maybe others have not. I want to suggest that perhaps you keep choosing the wrong girl. As someone who is considered one of the sexiest men alive , you have a reputation to uphold. But have you ever considered that these uber-beautiful women are, perhaps a little high maintenance? I know they look great on the red carpet, but you've been through a bunch of them.
Consider, you're a guy from the mid-west, Cincinnati, right? Despite the house in Italy, perhaps you're still deeply, emotionally rooted in mid-west values. I know those values well: loyal friendships, rooting for the home team (not the new one, but the first home team), backyard BBQs washed down with a beer. I could be wrong, I don't know you at all.
Have you ever thought about a little experiment? You could insure that your next girlfriend doesn't want to be a model, reality t.v. star, or actress. For this experiment, I offer myself as the guinea pig. I do NOT want to be on television. Sure, I want to publish my novel, but I'd be happy if a dozen strangers bought it. You probably want to know about me before you make this major decision. Let me help you here.
My politics are very liberal. I'm a former elected official in my union. Politics are a bad habit for me. From what I've read about you, we both hate Fox News. Plus, I'm a high school teacher who is also the student council adviser at the school. I walk the walk, not just talk the talk (sorry for the cliche) and I think you might appreciate that.
I have to admit, that I probably need to lose 10 pounds. I'm not nearly as svelte as your past lovers. But, there will never be rumors that I have have an eating disorder and I'm an excellent cook. I like experimenting in the kitchen. I am, however, a vegetarian. Thought you should know.
I am not high maintenance. I don't require enormous amounts of jewels or other sparkly things. Sure, sometimes those goodies are nice, but they aren't me. I like a pair of simple, elegant earrings, a complimentary necklace, and maybe a small ring. I don't mind getting clothes from secondhand stores because it's better for the environment. The clearance rank is my best shopping friend. I do have a boot addiction. I have nice shapely legs, so that's an addiction you'll enjoy.
Speaking of enjoy, let's just have a brief discussion about sex. I like it and have been greatly deprived lately. That means I will be very generous and overly grateful. Very generous.
You have said several times that you do not want to get married. I'm cool with that. All I would want is a happy, reasonably monogamous relationship. I say reasonable because there is a certain singer (Glenn Tilbrook), who if he ever gave me the eye, I couldn't say no. Besides, I'm sure women aggressively throw themselves at you all the time. We can negotiate this point.
As for children, I have a seven year old son. He is mildly autistic. His father is actively involved in his life, on a daily basis. My son is the bright star in my sky. If you don't hate kids, you'll really like him.
Look, I'm pretty cute, I'm refuse to worry about grey hair and crows' feet. I like concerts, reading and taking long walks. I wear myself on my sleeve. I think you need a simple gal, so why not me?
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